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Friday, June 29, 2012

One more blow to the dead horse

Aaand I think I'm done ragging on hipsters for a while. 

Interrogation Tuesday results:


Interesting. It seems that the majority of you have taken the...you know...to be something slightly risqué; some of us have already done that thing, whereas some of us are very unlikely to do that thing. The dissenting opinions were probably my favorites, but I don't know anything about Star Trek (sorry) or tap-dancing (not really sorry about either of them, actually) which apparently dooms my relationship with two more of you.

The smells/moods ended up making a pretty good graphic:


Choose the smell which best describes your current mood.
Between unwashed toes311%
Dusty carpet414%
Rubbing alcohol14%
Drinking alcohol27%
Overripe bananas14%
Wet dog14%
Musty book binding725%
Burnt marshmallow27%
New car00%
Nitrogylcerin14%
Expired shampoo14%
Garbage disposal00%
Chuck Norris' beard14%
Moist rust27%
So. A dang lot of 'musty book binding', but I was kind of shocked to see that for most of you, that was a negative mood. A composite sketch of Crustacean Singles readers made for a crime investigation shows an unhygienic, carpet-dwelling alcoholic librarian who goes camping and allows metals to oxidize. Emotionally speaking.
I can't say I'm surprised.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

There's always a way around it

In other news: see to the right on this page, under the heading links? I've added Longer things (writing) which will be exactly what it sounds like. If your attention span is feeling brave, check it out; it should be rather like a series of really long mental health entries which somehow converge on something resembling a unified theme.

In other other newsdon't forget to participate in Interrogation Tuesday (see yesterday's entry, or just go here). I'll have the results up tomorrow.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Embracing it is too much to ask


Well, look, I might be an accidental hipster. Why would I think such a thing? For one, the fountain pen in question is from a Carrefour on an island most people have never heard of, and it cost 85 francs, a currency you probably thought had been discontinued. Dang it.

In other news, don't forget to participate in Interrogation Tuesday (see yesterday's entry, or just go here). I'll have the results up tomorrow or Friday.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Even if no one is listening


Interrogation Tuesday! You can brighten everyone else's equally miserable existence by supplying your anonymous input below:

Monday, June 25, 2012

Justified outrage


Mental Health
After having spent the last several years in a state of mild annoyance, Durmont Mercury snapped into a state of extreme irritation with the insignificant provocation of the stupid accent of a wrong number caller, whom he informed in clearly enunciated syllables that he was not, nor would he ever be, Stephanie Q. 

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Jumping to conclusions


Mental Health
"This is probably what he would've wanted. I mean, better hit by a bus than...erm...." The bus driver stopped, and the crowd of people and paramedics stared on. He was definitely going to get sacked for this.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Not all trolls live under bridges

And if you believe that, I have the naming rights to a newly-discovered disease to sell you.

Mental Health, in continuing with the idea immediately above:
"Well Clyde, the results are finally back." Clyde waited expectantly for the doctor to go on, somewhat resenting the insistence on a dramatic pause. "It's a rare type of malignant McTumor™, which is great because with a doctor's note, you can probably get coupons for McDonald's."

Friday, June 22, 2012

Bad and worse


So first of all, I'm not the guy in this drawing. If anyone, I'm the shoulder devil.

Mental Health
Dr. Vandertramp was, in fact, the holder of a legitimate doctorate degree; it wasn't just a title to make him sound more sinister. The degree in question was in French Literature, and his dissertation had probably been the only one of that field to have been defended by explosives and small arms fire.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Results are worse than usual





Your answers to Interrogation Tuesday. I knew this already, but you are an odd bunch.


(Do you ever play on doing the above action?)


At first, I was afraid

I was petrified941%
I kept thinking I could never live without you by my side523%
And I spent oh so many nights just feeling sorry for myself732%
I used to cry627%
But now I hold my head up high941%
Other24109%
People may select more than one checkbox, so percentages may add up to more than 100%.
"Other" answers:
"But things are different now. Now, they are afraid, if they know what's good for them".
"Now I have become what I once feared".
"But now I hold my head up high, and realize that colorful responses while not negating my fear, add a weird brand of courage".
"but now this emotion, like every other, has been overwhelmed by the crushing loneliness".
"but then I got over it".
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybXrrTX3LuI
"baby don't hurt me".
"I was petrified, But then the mandrakes matured and I'm better now, thanks".
"I was petrified, I was crucified".
"imagine me blistering the lyrics"
"like a rainbow"
"then I was pregnant".

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

The internet is breaking and entering

No one gets a body today.

Mental Health
It hadn't been easy, but Dr. Vandertramp had managed to violate the Geneva Conventions in several interesting ways while waging his campaign to stop the boy scouts from fundraising in his neighborhood.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Getting technical



Monday, June 18, 2012

Be realistic


Mental Health
Rogelio had been excited about the large aquarium being installed in his family's living room, until he discovered that he was to be placed inside it. Right now he was pouting in an air bubble under a coral shelf, still in view of his parents and their guests on the couch, picking at the merman tail they had forced him to wear over his legs.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Feedback loop


Mental Health
That morning, everyone awoke to find that they had gotten what they deserved. It was wrapped, in various sizes of box and in variously designed paper, but each was labeled 'Now you get what you deserve'. Few people on earth, after opening their boxes, could figure out what it was; even fewer knew what to do with it.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Approximately why


Mental Health
The moles protruding from his ears and nose were markedly more interesting than the small talk he made at parties, but to get a good look at them you had to listen to the man's babbling, trite views on poetry and politics. There were many people who found this a perfectly fair trade.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Room in this town


Interrogation Results:
Traditionally (as of maybe three weeks ago), Interrogation Tuesday happens on a Tuesday and not a Wednesday. But I forgot what day it was. After my apology, here's the level of forgiveness I got:

(Thanks for the forgiveness, most of you).

No way, man.313%
We never were cool in the first place.417%
I don't even know what you're talking about.14%
I don't care.417%
Because of your heartfelt apology, I forgive you.1250%


The middle three questions generally produced the horrifying equivalent of fan fiction, but for bar jokes. Here they are, uncensored, etc.:


People you would actively try not to hit with a car, with editorial comments in [brackets] (and failure to make comment doesn't indicate that I didn't like the answer):

"my mother
my mother
T-Swift
Baller hot chick (and she was smart. That never happens) I went on a date with last week. Now, if the question was someone you *would* hit, then the biznatch who took a steaming dump on my heart earlier this year. Definitely her. [ouch, dude, whoever you are]
Anyone
My sister [Awww!]
The Pope... maybe...
Andrew Livingston [aw, thanks. If only I could say the same for you!]
I have really great car insurance... [Congrats. Really.]
Jason Mraz
Dalai Lama.  But only if I wasn't in a hurry... [Yes, officer. I was in a hurry.]
Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Batman [Don't you know he'd probably just blow up your car anyway, for coming close to hitting him?]
My past self who had traveled to the present through the aid of my future time traveling self [Awesome.]
Probably my friends. [Note to this kid's friends: find out why not 'definitely'. Is it something you did?]
Depends on the car, really. And my mood at the time. [Yeah, like what if it has built-in lasers and stuff?!]
my imaginary friend Hubert.
Harry Potter [See below for more fictional characters from the HP series]
me
I would never hit anybody. You are sick. [Note that I only asked for one person, never implying that there would be only one. You probably just got all disturbed by the fact that left to your own devices, you would run them all down, and then felt guilty about that. You monster.]
gary oldman
Draco Malfoy [and #2]
god [The Judeo-Christian one? I mean, it doesn't look like it, because He Usually Like Capital Letters A Whole Lot]
Albus Dumbledore [and #3]"

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Genies are just the worst


Mental Health
Her slightly crossed eyes converged on a point far away, and it appeared that she was always staring out at an invisible sea, waiting for the return of a non-existent cross-eyed sailor.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

A day late and something short


Well, I forgot what day it was until it was too late. And thus we have:

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Ugh, the humans again


Mental Health
In addition to the self-contradictory feelings, there were feelings whose entire existence was based on desires which, if fulfilled, would create even more negative feelings than if left unfulfilled. With all these (and many other) complications, it was unsurprising that so many individuals voted in favor of abolishing them. (Those without strong opinions, in a minority, abstained and had no great effect on the referendum).

Monday, June 11, 2012

I was a marshmallow


Mental Health
Their entire civilization was on the brink of destruction. There was really nothing to be done about it, so instead of feeling sorry for themselves, they went home and made some waffles. When the power went out and the fire spread through the sky, every one of them felt it had been the right thing to do.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Wot neven earth it

(for those of you who are missing out: spoonerisms)

Mental Health
They dug all day in the crushing humidity of the tropical heat. Finally, in thin moonlight, a shovel struck wood and soon they were pulling the treasure chest up and cracking its lock. This was a long-anticipated moment, and they traded speculations on what riches they would find inside.
The riches, explained a note that was, with the sand, the only contents of the chest, consisted of the friendship they had developed in the search and the character they had built by digging. 

Saturday, June 9, 2012

It is written

A recycled drawing follows, from ca. 2008:
Mental Health
The crew could grumble all they liked, the captain supposed, but it wasn't going to change the wind. "I spy" had gotten old and there weren't enough cards on board for a proper game of Uno. They were such entitled little monsters, the captain reflected, that they couldn't bear a motionless week in the middle of the doldrums without being constantly entertained. He (the captain) discoursed extensively on the topic with the first mate as they made peanut butter sandwiches for everyone and cut off the crusts.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Time problems

Mental Health

The last memory we have of Jacob is the hardest one to think about. We were at a distance, counting him down. He did not fiddle with levers or buttons; he was calm because everything had already been taken care of. He said something I couldn't make out over the rising roar of the machines, right before we counted down to 1.
We're pretty sure he's gone, because if the time machine really had worked, the least he could have done would be to stop by and let us know he was alright.

A B-side: The evolution of Lobsterman (non-canonical; a scientific attempt to explain the horror)

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Family council


Interrogation Tuesday results:

How much do you care about the following: - Bears


If it were any less, it would be a negative number412%
2.2721%
meh927%
a fair amount1030%
Almost too much, really39%

How much do you care about the following: - Dinosaurs



If it were any less, it would be a negative number39%
2.2515%
meh824%
a fair amount1339%
Almost too much, really412%


How much do you care about the following: - Manila envelopes



If it were any less, it would be a negative number1236%
2.21030%
meh618%
a fair amount26%
Almost too much, really39%
How much do you care about the following: - The direction of the toilet paper roll



If it were any less, it would be a negative number13%
2.2412%
meh515%
a fair amount927%
Almost too much, really1442%
Which is the proper direction for toilet paper to roll?


Facing the wall13%
Away from the wall3091%
It doesn't matter (know that this is incorrect)26%


With only three incorrect answers out of 35, I'm pretty pleased with these results. Except, of course, when I think of you poor savages who are still doing it wrong or living in apathy on this important topic.

Which of the above would you most like to have on your bed sheets?



Bears515%
Dinosaurs618%
Manila envelopes412%
Properly-facing toilet paper rolls26%
Other1648%

OK, want a list of "other" bed sheet ideas? It might get disturbing.
  • A woman (So you've given up on the real thing?)
  • Bed sheets (Mind-blowing. Bravo.)
  • Chuck Norris riding a dinosaur, fighting a bear (I have no words)
  • Directions for life that change from time to time and direct according to my righteousness (For those of you bewildered by this remark, it's a reference to something in the Book of Mormon (the book, not the show))
  • He man - he was the last of the masters of the Universe
  • i can't tell if the word "above" was a trick or a typo.
  • If I put toilet paper on my sheets I might start wiping with them. So, that.
  • In my house we are too lazy to put the toilet paper on the thingy. So it just sits on the back of the toilet. This means that it faces neither towards the wall nor away from the wall. (And what exactly does this have to do with bedsheets?)
  • jellyfish
  • myself, when sleeping
  • nothing, keep it print free, geometric patterns or a nice floral are mildly acceptable
  • one color
  • Pictures of you
  • pikachu
  • some boring overly used plaid pattern
  • Star Trek
  • Stripes
  • you... o_o haha just kidding.............. o_o (You and the above remark of "pictures of you"-- enjoy that)

Have you ever



answered this question?2475%
forgotten which direction to put on pants?1134%
felt that there was some universal conspiracy against you, and only you?1444%
attempted to be part of a conspiracy against someone else?1547%
not answered this question?1031%

People may select more than one checkbox, so percentages may add up to more than 100%.