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Friday, March 29, 2013

The song of my people

Mental Health
It was growing late, and they were running out of time. If they didn't transform back into their human forms within twenty minutes, they'd be stuck as animals forever. For Joey, this would be a big deal, because he was currently a cockroach, but was very good-looking in his human form; for Patrick, there would be little change in his appearance or habits if he were doomed to remain a warthog.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Reminders

Editor's note: I love beans. I make a pot of black beans just about every week. But man was not meant to live on beans alone, and it is this tragic state of which I speak.

Mental Health
"If you had spent half as much time working on the assignment as you did trying to make it appear that you had done so, I would feel more comfortable giving you a passing grade," said Mr. Hauptbaum in an exasperated wheedle. William and Edward stood before him stoically, untouched by his attacks, knowing that the time traveling adventures of the past week had been well worth whatever academic consequences might come.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Turning the tables

Special thanks to Robert, for having this conversation with me, and to everyone, for not getting up in my business about the low quality of this scan.

Mental Health
There was never a time, through all the years of mockery and scorn, that Gus doubted himself. He had always known, even if the others had not, that he could eat an entire large pizza and a whole gallon of ice cream in one sitting.

Monday, March 25, 2013

Vocational destiny

a re-run today, because the water is rising and I am wearing cement slippers.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Given the choice

This is a thing that happened, in my real life.

SOME LADY (a few paces away from me, and talking to her friends): Ugh, it's snowing outside? I'd rather die.
ME (not loud, but not quiet, either): I hope you do. 
I'm not sure if she heard me or not.

And now for an aimless B-side with no real punchline:

Thursday, March 21, 2013

The relativity of time

Mental Health
Stretched to his breaking point, all Nigel could do was continue staring, his left eye twitching in the same rhythm with which all loose objects in the house would soon pelt the source of his frustration, as soon as Nigel discovered his latent telekinetic powers.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Origin stories

Mental Health
Mitchell was born in a toxic waste dump, then summarily orphaned by a fiendish conspiracy which, aside from orphaning toxic babies, was bent on world domination. Though he seemed from the start to be destined for superherodom and a life of avenging evil with his powers, Mitchell instead opted to get a decent education and found steady work as a middle manager.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Let's talk about the weather


Mental Health
"Do you mean generally, or in this particular situation right now? Because to be perfectly honest, officer, there always seems to be a problem somewhere. As for my buddy here in the garbage bag, I prefer to think of him as more of an opportunity than a problem. He doesn't move around much anymore, so I have to drag him around and stuff him in the trunk of my car sometimes, but I just try to make the best of it."

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Dreams realized

Here are the Interrogation Tuesday results, with editor's commentary.

Mental Health
Jonathan had always wished to be a bird, had dreamed of it and had begged every marginal divinity he could think of to transform him into a soaring creature. When he woke up one morning flexing his wings instead of stretching his arms, it felt like the most natural thing in the world, and he did not realize what he had become until catching sight of his reflection in the bathroom mirror, shortly before his wife of two decades, not realizing it was him, beat him out of the house with a broom.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Wrong bus

It's one of those days when the best thing I can do seems to be digging in the depths for a pretty odd picture from the archives, circa 2005. When Lobsterman plays the straight man, you know that strange things are afoot.

Friday, March 15, 2013

By any other name

Mental Health
A twig snapped behind him, and he heard a sudden short breath. Shovel in hand, Mitch swung around in a tight circle, only to find that the grave he had been robbing had just been counter-robbed. The other thief was nothing more than a rustling in the bushes.
It wasn't the end of the world. There were always more graves.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Getting ahead

In part due to sleep deprivation, I've been thinking about heads and how weird they are.
So that's why there are two drawings about heads today.
Mental Health
The doctor never came out and wrote a prescription for me, but I saw that knowing wink and took matters into my own hands. Later he would claim to the jury that he had no idea I would go out and strangle clowns.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Dropping dead

Mental Health
The sign in front of the shop read:
"Burke and Grundell, purveyors of fine Novelty Coffins since 1871
Only the finest in rubber Chicken-shaped Tombs, creaking Caskets,
see-through shrouds, explosive Urns, &c."
Ferdinand did not anticipate any deaths in his immediate circle, and certainly not his own, but decided to go in and have a look.


 

Friday, March 8, 2013

Happiness for sale

In other news, this guy's arms begin halfway down his torso, which I guess is kinda freaky-looking.

Mental Health
Time itself lurched and began to move quicker. 
"We have to hurry!" shouted the mysterious stranger. "We have no—"
"Time. I know," replied the engineer. Thrust into this improbable situation, he was pleased to note how calmly, drily*, even, he was able to respond.

*Does that spelling look weird to you? I stared at it and its twin, dryly, for a long time, thinking they both looked dumb. Looked it up and it turns out, either is acceptable. So deal with it.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

One condition

Mental Health
The extortion had become so automatic and businesslike that Tony found himself working from an unwritten script and reacting with deadpan bureaucratic indifference to the flustered shop owners and entrepreneurs. It hadn't always been this way; there had been a time when the fear in their eyes made Tony excited to be alive. Where had it all gone wrong?

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Moderate views


Mental Health
With a shaky hand, the defeated general signed the document that sealed his defeat. 
"I told you you couldn't do it," Sally gloated in triumph. "I told you you could never swallow six saltines with no water."

Monday, March 4, 2013

Lucidity

Mental Health
As the sun disappeared over the horizon, it became easier to see campfires and tent lanterns in the valley below. Joseph felt the moon on his skin, beginning the change. What really troubled him was the fact that in his human form, he had already been contemplating how delicious the campers would be.

This B-side is approximately as lucid as I am right now, which is not very.

Friday, March 1, 2013

You can't even tell

Today's drawing is a continuation of yesterday's. So it might make more sense if you read that one first.
Mental Health
There was a brief and fleeting moment, while he was brushing the walrus, that Ted felt that he had made a deep and abiding spiritual connection with the creature.