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Friday, August 31, 2012

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Fair warning


Ever wonder how total strangers stumble across this site? I do, and google is kind enough to show me what search terms lead people here. These are what people searched yesterday to find crustaceansingles.com
Poems about don't judge me are my favorite poems.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Assumptions


Mental Health
Clyde came crashing down through the roof of a stranger's barn in a place he did not know, and lay there despondently. It wasn't really the improbable string of events leading to this point, so much as it was the knowledge that it had happened before and would happen again, that drained him emotionally.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Back to school


Mental Health
He stammered out his response, having thought about the question in his mind for so long, and with such great intensity, that the class he had been in had left without ever hearing what he had to say. It was not to an empty room that he cried out, however; a new professor and new students had since begun holding a quite different class in that room, and were all understandably confused when Simon passionately explained the Protestant reformation to a class on biology.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Mutant social awkwardness


Mental Health
After being pistol-whipped and losing consciousness as they drove him away in an unmarked white van, Leonard came to in a dimly lit cell. His captors stood over him.
"Jokes," they said. "You write jokes for us now, if you want to live."

Thursday, August 23, 2012

This is exactly what we need



Mental Health
The best revenge is living well. The second-best revenge involves some pretty intense explosives...and come to think of it, the two aren't mutually exclusive.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

A minor difference


Mental Health
On good days, before I say anything I remember to ask myself, 'Will the world be a better place if I say this?' And if it wouldn't be better, I don't say it. On those days, I say very little.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Never heard of it


Mental Health
Here's a new thing: I recorded an older MH. Pardon my slightly-sick throat. While I'm telling you what to do, here's one: let me know if you think this is something worth doing more frequently. You can leave a comment here, or on facebook, or email me at lobsterman@ crustaceansingles.com. 

Thursday, August 16, 2012

So that's what they were doing


Mental Health
"I just don't know how to tell her how I feel."
-"Are you talking about a person, or your sandwich?" 

Monday, August 13, 2012

A possible solution

That, or set up a nature preserve for me.

Mental Health
The two truck drivers were shaken and disoriented from the head-on collision. One said, "You got ammonia in my bleach!" while the other replied, "You got bleach in my ammonia!" They didn't get much past that before the resulting toxic fumes killed them.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

In sickness and in health

(you can click on it to zoom in)

Mental Health
Everything was going right. It scared Roger, troubling him in a deeply buried part of his mind, the part that in his ancestors' minds had warned them of impending traps and ambushes. Hopefully, he thought, something would soon go minorly wrong and bring everything back to normalcy.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Read this and then go outside and play

The following was going to be a drawing, but you guys can visualize it better than I can draw it.

Mental Health
Scientists were excited to announce the discovery of Homo fabulous, a near relative and contemporary of Homo neanderthalensis. "The fossil record indicates that after a brief few years of bullying from the Neanderthals, H. fabulous enjoyed a period of unrivaled wardrobes and a vibrant club scene," said Dr. Vikram Johnson, adding with a slightly regretful tone, "Only to disappear as quickly as they had come."

Interrogation Tuesday results:

I asked all about social media, especially the idea of 'stalking'.

Have you ever used social media to 'stalk' someone?



Yes2170%
No13%
No, but I've wanted to13%
Other723%

other entries:

  • Anyone who says no is lying.
  • Why should I believe you?
  • I like to call it background checking
  • I have only used social media the way it was intended, to keep accurate records of peoples' "goings on"


Do you consider it OK to do so?



Yes, anyone who puts information online wants it to be discovered1963%
Yes, I would dig through their trash if it wasn't so easily available on the internet27%
No, that creeps me out13%
No, that kind of information should be exchanged face to face310%
Other517%
other responses:

  • Necessary evil.
  • Not really, but that's never stopped me, has it?
  • I like to ask out girls that I already know are as cool as me
As far as creepiness goes, when you start to get nervous? (check all that apply)


Creep has a collection of your hair1554%
Creep has made a shrine with that hair, and candid photos1243%
Creep uses sacrificial goat blood to write your name on the wall1346%
Creep is a locksmith1554%
Your friends all like the creep, think you're being paranoid1450%
Other1243%

other responses:
  • I think you started a bit past the "start to get nervous" point.
  • Remember that this is when I *start* to get nervous. 
  • This stage generally precedes any knowledge of the facts of the preceding options.
  • ALL of the above! P.S. that sounds oddly specific Andrew.
  • Creep knows my name.
  • Creep knows your blood type and social security number.
  • Do you have a lock of my hair, Andrew. DO YOU???
  • All is fair in love.
  • Creep is actually one of my own multiple personalities.
  • The creep is ten years older than me.
  • I can always out creep a creep. I also have nerves of steel.

Anything else you'd like to say?

  • I like the pictures you have on your bathroom wall. Could I have one? 
    • (Well, here's a picture of my bathroom wall)
  • I want to say Everything a la Borgesian libraries.
  • I feel very uncomfortable. Get away from my window. 
    • Oh. I'll come back later, then?
  • 1)Yeah! Stop thinking of creepy answers to creepy questions!
  • Free yourselves, sons of anarchy!
  • Nothing is creepier than that dwight schrute pumpkin you carved in 2007 with your friends Brandon, Steven, and Kyle...
    • I see what you did there.
  • Blubber, nitwit, oddment, tweak
    • Obligatory Harry Potter reference. I wish I knew who you were.
  • Have YOU ever stalked somebody? Also, do YOU ever fill out these things?
    • I'm not going to answer the first question, but yes, I do answer them. Guess which ones are mine.
  • poop
    • Very clever.
  • Now I'm gonna have Radiohead stuck in my head all day.
  • I feel like your a little creepy sometimes....just sayin',
  • I really don't see the problem with following people around with binoculars. I mean, come on, walking around in public they are practically asking for it.
  • Stop me before it's too late.
  • I'm probably a creep then. I wish I was a locksmith.
  • I like pizza.
  • Dear Creeps, We would appreciate if you would leave us all alone.  -Normal people
  • Ping Pong
  • Fragrance-free is not just for houses anymore.
  • Gesundheit

It's too nice of a day for me to worry about formatting all this. Deal with it.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Am I the only one around here who does this?


Mental Health
Of all the shadowy organizations he funded, Dr. Vandertramp was perhaps most fond of the restaurant he had named The Tables Have Turned, where he had a permanent private room for conducting business and a cache of arms and ammunition. 

Monday, August 6, 2012

Significantly more violent

Mental Health
Dr. Vandertramp practiced his evil smile in the bathroom mirror. The dashing federal agent waited nervously in the hallway where he hoped to ambush the warlord, not knowing that he had been allowed to enter the lair and would soon be mopped off the floor. It would be like a romantic comedy, with an unbearable script and improbable coincidences, but significantly more violent.

This is a B-side, because I thought it would be funny, then drew it, and went 'meh'.

 

Sunday, August 5, 2012

My strategy


Mental Health
People always act like it's a simple dichotomy: 'It's better to laugh than to cry,' they say. But there are so many other ways to react. Demolishing a building, for example, during which time you could laugh or cry or do both.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Foisting

This is a really old one-- from around 2005. I post it because I sat down this morning and halfway drew a bunch of lousy stick figures and charts and stuff, and none of it even made me smirk. I couldn't bring myself to put it on the internet, which is saying something. The funniest thing about this one may be that it proves that, although my handwriting is bad now, it used to be substantially worse.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Take no thought for anything at all


Mental Health
YOLO, ca. 2012, initialism for 'You only live once'.
T,BICAMYDEP, initialism for 'True, but I can also make your death extremely painful'. Considered an acceptable response to YOLO.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Technically just words


Modern American English: deal with it.
(For all personal attacks, please contact the author personally)

Mental Health
He imagined, not too inaccurately, that this was how the dinosaurs must have felt just before extinction. When waking up in the morning got too hard, maybe (he thought) a mass extinction event might be sort of a relief.