Special musical number

I'm spamming the internet with this today, but just in case you haven't seen it anywhere else, this is about 27 minutes of zombie apocalypse, from the guy who usually draws awkward stick figures every day. Maybe you won't totally hate it.



I can tell that we are going to be friends

Mental Health
As seen on TV! Get in gun fights with black vans full of bad guys, and come out unscathed! Engage in witty banter with unlikely love interests! Hotwire a car with a paperclip and some string! See what our plot writers can do with your life, for just seven easy payments of $99.99!


Just results

On Tuesday, I axed you some questions. Now we see the results (Editor's comments at the bottom).


Relatively easy

Mental Health
It wasn't that Larry meant to steal chairs. He just found himself sitting in so many chairs in public places- waiting rooms, food courts, town meetings- and when he got up, he would always think to himself, "Better not forget to bring my chair along". And every time he would nonchalantly take it with him, carrying it all the way home before he realized, opening his front door and seeing the stacks and piles of chairs, that he was an accidental chair thief.


Fun for everyone

Mental Health
It all seemed so simple, which couldn't be right. Clarence examined his situation and realized that he had been facing the blank wall instead of his desk. Desperate to do anything but his project, he decided to examine the wall a little longer to see if there was anything interesting on it, but found only a little bit of cobweb and a small scuff from one of his shoes. Nothing that would help him with the project, certainly.



I am not guilty

Mental Health
"Your Honor," the defense began, "I think we can all agree that this case will be pretty boring on its own." The judge nodded his assent. "We therefore propose playing Two Truths and a Lie...just to make things interesting." The judge sustained the motion.
It wasn't a bad development for me, but how was I ever going to limit it to one lie?



Mental Health
"For what your insurance pays me," the doctor said, "I can remove the javelin from your torso. I mean, that's the basic plan." He leaned in close, and through the haze of the mild shock Jordan was experiencing, he could smell the doctor's menacing aftershave. "Throw in another twenty bucks, and I can make sure it doesn't get infected. Just 'cause I like you, OK?" Jordan couldn't help but think that something unethical was going on here.


A list of grievances

Mental Health
A list of grievances:

  • Your shoes. Were you aware of the racket they make? I would have been able to tolerate them if our paths had crossed, and not converged. My brain waves are incompatible with the noise your shoes make when you walk.
  • Sleep. Sleep is supposed to be restful, but it has become another entry on my list of Things To Do Well, With Dire Consequences If Not. That's such a buzzkill.
  • Social interaction. I've been talking to humans more than usual of late, and now I can't tell what conversations I really had, and which ones I imagined. This isn't a problem when you know for a fact that you haven't talked to any humans.


Let me diagram that for you

Mental Health
We've been over this before, son. Don't call me 'Mom'. I'm not your Mom, I didn't birth you. I'm not equipped to birth anyone. Don't know that I would if I could.


Apiculture is the solution

Re-run Sunday is brought to you by Lobsterman.

Mental Health
Dr. Vandertramp, avid collector of rare books, felt a slight tremble in his hand as he leafed reverently through the pages of Seven Acrostic Yiddish Haikus About Abraham Lincoln's Beard*, knowing that he must have it.
*Written by Moshe Goldstein, with a lengthy foreword by e e cummings. 


Maybe tomorrow?

Mental Health
When the two nations decided to settle their dispute with physical aggression, it was the leader of each that volunteered to enter single combat against the other in order to resolve the conflict. And so it was that Optimus Prime Minister faced President Alien in a battle full of suspense and explosions.
(I'm writing the script to send to Michael Bay. No stealing.) 
Why do these people just wait outside my window in the morning?



Too many people

Mental Health
The bus driver had always thought that he was immune to this sort of thing, by virtue of his profession. But no: he, too, found love right before being struck and killed by a bus (his own), which he had left idling just up the hill. 


Read the sign

Mental Health
Thomas stood up, stretched his legs and rubbed bleary eyes that had stared for hours at a screen. His hands gradually relaxed from the clawlike shape they had assumed while holding the gaming controller, and he went to the kitchen to find something to eat.
 The problem with this world, he reflected, was that it just didn't seem very realistic.