Peoples Republic of the Internet


Mental Health
You know, I guess I'm the crazy one for not caring about voluntarily creating a logistical nightmare in one major world city once every four years, and making every country feel obligated to spend lots of money sending athletes and hoping that their performance will somehow make the country look better.


You have to admire the persistence

I asked myself this morning, as I tried to peel myself off the floor where I had been sleeping, "What would be the long-term effects of continuing my crushing lack of motivation?" It probably wouldn't even be this cool.


Happy Birthday

Mental Health
J. Scott Bringer wrote exactly one and a third great novels, and rightly deserved his fame for it. Then came the empty years. It wasn't writer's block; he was, to the consternation of critics and professors of modern literature, growing ever more prolific in his output of penny dreadfuls which would, in spite of their name, sell for $8.99 on the racks of airport newsstands everywhere. 
He cheerfully wrote these comparatively pathetic stories and books, knowing full well that they were utterly devoid of any merit whatsoever. He did so because it seemed that the only alternative was to become a tortured artist, then an embittered ex-artist, and then a very unemployable has-been, a process of which no stage seemed particularly fun. 


Your problem is too insignificant to be solved

Mental Health
Years later, when asked about his behavior, Charles said, "I would go on the internet because it was horrible and it made me angry, and I like to be angry."


Party etiquette

Interrogation Tuesday, as usual:


We're going to need a meteorologist

Mental Health
Finally, after all these years of seeing doctors, EMTs, and off-duty cops being solicited and summoned to help in small public emergencies, it was Gus the local meteorologist who got his turn. 


Sappy and low on plot

The usual disclaimer: not autobiographical; this is not my dad.

Mental Health
The evil Dr. Vandertramp found himself in the midst of his own midlife crisis. He bought an aircraft carrier that wasn't for sale, had his forces take over a few disputed African diamond mines, and took up the electric guitar, badly.



Mental Health
This? This is your trap? Bad news for you, my friend, but it was pretty obvious. Pretty...mainstream. I've fallen into it, yes, but only ironically.


Language changes

On Tuesday, I asked you some questions, and here's what I got:

If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you ____ ?

hold it against me953%
be a little creeped out424%
shrug; you get that all the time635%
contact the authorities212%
People may select more than one checkbox, so percentages may add up to more than 100%.
The "other"s deserve some mention and response:
--you seriously just quote a country "song"?
Actually, no, I guarantee this was part of a Flying Circus sketch long before it ever made its way 
into any country songs, which, by the way, I was not aware of.
--hold it against me, hold it against you. Wait.
It got confusing in the asking. Let's hug it out.

Red pill or blue pill?

I usually don't take pills from strangers.16%
I usually don't take pills from strangers, but you look nice.847%

And the "other"s:
I woke up from the matrix without even trying. I looked around at the dark sky and the lightning 
and figured that the imaginary world was better, especially since I live in an imaginary world 
within the imaginary world.
1 Red and 2 Pink...allergy season!

What makes you extraordinary? (in up to 10 words)
http://i.imgur.com/yj2Dy.jpg (That's indisputably awesome).
I don't know. I guess that I'm personable? (Unlike the majority of people, I guess)
i have opposable thumbs, and can walk on two legs (Are you an ape? That's pretty cool)
what are you, my mother? (Someone asks me this every week)
What it is that makes me extra ordinary is that (Someone just doesn't like word limits)
I don't know I'm beautiful. That's what makes me beautiful. (And I don't know that I'm responding to that)
Radiation (Good luck to you)
Practice, practice, practice, practice, practice, practice, practice, practice, practice, practice! (I guess, if you're into that)
What doesn't make me extraordinary? (Deadly snakes, for one)
i am probably the fastest cheese grater on the planet (Prove it)
I'm rarely late. 
I like puddle jumping! (Really? Everyone else is just pretending to try to get with you)
It is everything everything and nothing. And I always fly. 
Easily having the least witty answers on interrogation Tuesday. (You know, you'd be surprised)
I am pretty and witty (Well, I pity any girl who isn't you)
I can sing the greek alphabet (You know exactly how to impress me)


Add explosions and we'll talk

Is this just a lame sort-of pun, or the basic plot of a futuristic dystopian action movie? We'll see what Michael Bay has to say about it.


They catch on pretty quick

Mental Health
Stuck in their fallout shelter for the foreseeable future, watching taped 90s television, the point was doubly driven home: just because someone can do something doesn't mean it should be done.


Sorry, I can't help you with that

Mental Health
Unfortunately for Jared, he had not been paying attention to his mother on any of the numerous occasions in which she had told him never to put things into his ears. Unfortunately for him, now the unwitting host of an alien creature which he had enabled to latch onto his brain, and unfortunately for his planetary exploration crew, who now had to decide what to do with him.


Don't need a reason

Mental Health
"How'd it go?" 
"She's not your type, huh?" 
"Maybe not even my species."
The above is not a true story. I wish I didn't have to disclaim, but some people read this comic as though it were my diary.


Everyone is in on it

Interrogation results:
Your stories, not exceeding eight words each:
Well see, there was this bear . . .
Old MacDonald had a compelling reason to escape.
Work blows. Mexican food today. Yay.
When he got there, there weren't any earplugs.
Once there was an ugly barnacle. He died
It giraffe wanted to fly. It never did.
The once was a death, he killed all.
The burger was tasty, so I ate it.
Once upon a time, I told a story.
I was hungry. Then I wasn't.
Tried to kiss a girl, she said no.
once upon a time the world ended. 
Tim died. Moral: Don't eat jellyfish.
I peed my pants when I was 8.
what happens if you drink lysol?
blue feathers, silver claws, floating slowly

A question for the pedants: 'Less' or 'fewer' with a countable noun? Most of you are not pedants, as evidenced below:

Either. It doesn't matter.16%
Either, but 'fewer' is better.317%
Either, but 'less' is better.16%

For more on prescriptive/descriptive usage of these two words, see the Wikipedia entry on it.

How do you feel about...things?
0 = really sternly disapprove of things
3 = could learn to love it all, one day

When asked what I/we should do to celebrate the one year anniversary of CrustaceanSingles.com's daily publication, you answered:

Weenie roast.
Virgin sacrifice
Make cupcakes for everyone
this question really made me mad...like im furious right now, jerk.
No Pants Party
Blow something up
virtual dance party, advertise for it at a certain show this friday
sky diving without parashutes
burn something...
World tour
post some more webcomics
Massive Lobsterfest

The second to last one is probably the only one I'll actually do.

Finally: Words as weapons. Of the words I supplied, some seemed more weaponlike than others:

But as you can see, 'other' was the most popular. Here are some of the others:
I don't know what all these words mean, but anything can be used as a weapon if you hit someone hard enough.
(re: metathesis) switching letters around is more dangerous than any of us can know.
rhombus (I got chills)
otorrinolaringólogo, lächeln, skoenlapper, hvolpur (are those in that made-up language that Sigur Rós uses?)


Emotional inventory

Mental Health
Among the many things ruined by perspective, self pity is the one I miss the most. But, you know, people have it worse, etc.


Zoinks, I guess

Due to technical difficulties, there will only be a Mental Health today. The good news is that you, dear readers, now have the chance to illustrate it and send it in (to lobsterman [@] crustaceansingles.com (which is a real email address, without the spaces or brackets)) for the chance to win a prize I haven't thought of yet. I'll post the top three here. It'll be fun...-ish.

***Amendment: illustrate any mental health entry for a chance to be featured as guest art.

Mental Health
The cop's blandly stated "Nothing to see here," meaning, as it did, that there was something abnormally interesting to see which he and/or the powers that be really didn't want being seen, the kids and their talking dog ducked around a corner and found a back alley that would bypass the police block and the crowds. 
They were unprepared for the gigantic monster lurking there, and even more unprepared for the fact that it was not a costumed, scheming businessman of the type they were so used to unmasking. 


Nothing practical about it

Mental Health
A practical joke would have been one with a reasonable purpose or result. Your little stunt with the marbles broke my legs, and there's nothing practical about that.


It gets results

Speaking of results, it's time to have a look at the outcome of our Independence Day interrogation:

AMERCIA: True or false?

The six who said 'false' will be receiving a visit from the Bureau of Unspecified Services to discuss an opinion recalibration.


The dreaded moment

Mental Health
Roger looked at his watch glumly. The cakes must be almost finished baking. He would not be allowed inside for another half hour, giving her the time to hide everything from his insatiable cake hunger. What he couldn't understand was how, already making thirty-six cakes, she couldn't have added one more just for him.


A letter too late

The funny (maybe not ha-ha funny) thing is, I drew this on the 2nd and was going to post it yesterday, but was beaten to the punch when they got a fire going near my parents' house in Alpine. I post it now, because I bet the stupid hicks in question have some fireworks left over from yesterday, and even though none of them probably read this.

And do please note that it is only addressed to the stupid hicks; I'm not really worried about the regular hicks.

Mental Health
I shrugged and laughed. "No need to get all flustered and embarrassed," I said. "Everybody does it."
"No," the judge replied sternly. "Almost no one even thinks of doing what you've done. You are a remarkably awful person." 


In which today's date has an uncharacteristically heavy influence on the contents of this comic

There are so many drawings I scribbled to express my complex feelings about this country of mine.
 and also:

Oh, only two drawings? Oh well.
Now it's time for an interrogation!


Geriatric plans

Mental Health
Wilma suffered from the uncommon delusion that she was seeing things that weren't there, when in reality everything she saw was real and visible to every other sane seeing person with healthy eyesight. The doctors tried to demonstrate this to her, but she at first thought they were humoring her, then mocking her, and finally she came to the inevitable conclusion that they were all insane as well.


Halfheartedly or less

Mental Health
By some freakish convergence of factors, it was always humid and never rained in the colony, a phenomenon which the colonial meteorologist couldn't be bothered to explain, since he was also the colonial geologist, postmaster, and poet laureate, and there were much more interesting (to him, anyway) deposits of obsidian to be examined and, in due course, elegized.