Monday, June 30, 2014
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Friday, June 27, 2014
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
"Look, I'm just not...in a position where...I'm ready to...commit..."
The arresting officer rolled her eyes. "Well, you were sending mixed signals, weren't you? With the public indecency and the incoherent professions of love to strangers and statues?"
Monday, June 23, 2014
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Saturday, June 21, 2014
When the paternity test showed that the man was not only not his biological father but, incredibly, not even a human being, Roger was more impressed than anything. After all, none of his friends could claim an alien stepdad.
Mostly, I just wanted to draw a demon.
Friday, June 20, 2014
"You've gone well beyond the limits of common decency, sir," they said as they took me away. "We don't even know how to place what you've done on a scale labelled 'decency' at all."
Thursday, June 19, 2014
"Yup, when we bought this house back in '98, it was a very different place. Some of the improvements came right away, like getting rid of the tacky doors and windows. But of course you can see that not too long ago, we decided to eliminate the walls completely! It's so much more open and free now."
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Monday, June 16, 2014
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Friday, June 13, 2014
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Lewis was mostly angry at the bar for turning away his laughably fake ID with well-deserved derisive laughter, but the bar was on the other side of town, and he was in deep enough trouble for "borrowing" the car that it wasn't worth the risk to take it again. Instead, he extended his anger to apply to buildings in general, finding several such structures much more conveniently nearby and defacing them to his temporary satisfaction.
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
In the Trial of the Sandwich Killer, the judge had to spend an inordinate amount of time clarifying that a sandwich eaten by its rightful owner is considered dead of natural causes, while it's murdered if eaten by anyone else. The ignorance of both sides was appalling, without even mentioning the jury.
Monday, June 9, 2014
Well, no, I can't offer you as much money as our competitors. Are you trying to tell me that all you care about is money? Our company has so much more in terms of extrapecuniary benefits. See that hole in the wall? Don't worry, it's been declared structurally sound, and it lets a pleasant breeze right into the office. Still not sure? How about this: you get to build your own custom desk! All this scrap wood is free for the taking, so you can get exactly the desk format that works for you. I seriously doubt you'll find our competitors to be so accommodating.
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Saturday, June 7, 2014
Friday, June 6, 2014
The Royal Society for Pedantry and Quibbling faced a serious dilemma: against all odds and in open defiance of every expert's prediction, the nation's youth were learning every pathetically tiny detail the RSPQ could throw at them, learning them and mastering them and even sending tomes of correspondence requesting clarifications on rules that the RSPQ had never even thought of.
After months in a private chamber, the robed sages, defenders of detail, debated what to do next. Some claimed that their purpose had been fulfilled, and they should disband. Others saw no harm in their taking a less active role, since enforcement of technicalities now needed so little attention. But the vastest contingent pushed forward a new idea, one that gained followers and increased in devious design until it was officially approved by the entire council:
"We propose to maintain the spirit of the RSPQ in the face of this development by undertaking a campaign of obfuscation: every rule currently mastered by the public will be altered, but unpredictably. Some, we will reverse, while others will change only slightly. The end result will be mass confusion and an opportunity for us to retake our lost ground."
After another week debating the merits of hyphenating or not hyphenating 'retake', they reached an accord. And so began the Grammer Warz.
Thursday, June 5, 2014
The singer-songwriter kept pushing back his stringy, intruding mid-length hair with his right hand in the middle of the song, trying desperately to keep it out of his eyes and at the same time, to make the song sound like it was supposed to have silence whenever he stopped picking at the strings to deal with the hair problem.
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Editor's note: I'm pretty sure Crustacean Singles has run nearly identical comics in the past, but I am feeling way too lazy to check or come up with a different idea. Plus, there hasn't actually been a real original thought on Earth in who-knows-how-long, so whatever.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Self-Help and How-To Cinema were genres that absolutely zero scholars and critics saw coming back in 2014, and when the wave hit and the billions of dollars were made, they (the scholars and critics) were understandably bitter, complaining that anyone could have made a feature film about, for example, making a tin of particularly difficult and involved bran muffins. And they were technically right, but they'd missed the point entirely: anyone could have made these films, but very few were in touch enough with the so-called zeitgeist to know just when and how to make them.
Monday, June 2, 2014
"It's not enough to keep up appearances!" the magician wife stormed to her magician husband. "You have to disappear first, or people just get confused. Plus, you keep appearing at other people's shows. You scared that poor Jay-Z guy half to death when you materialized on his stage, last week."
This is a sad B-side that makes me sad, but I drew it and I'm posting it anyway. Helen, girl, don't worry what they think, but maybe get your hair did. Also, try to avoid kidnappers. Not all attention is good attention.
Sunday, June 1, 2014
And now for something completely different:
The warden led me down a dark hall. "You've been at the job for what, six weeks now?" I nodded. He said, "It's time you saw what we keep in the basement of D block. You need to know, in case anything should happen to me." I didn't dare ask what was coming, or why the blueprints for the compound didn't show a basement on any of the buildings. I could see the warden's hand tremble as he pulled out a key, not from his usual keyring at his belt, but from around his neck. We came to a door marked "UTILITY" on the side of D block and he unlocked it.
"You'll hear 'em before you see 'em. That's the worst part," he said.