Crustacean Singles: 2024

2024-04-26

Condiments and comprehensibility

Person 1, smiling and gesticulating: "[Conversing conversationally]". Person 2, with small, faraway eyes: "Sorry, I'm too hungry to see you as anything but a giant talking sandwich, and I can't understand you through all the mustard."

But let me be clear: I am not complaining about the amount of mustard. Even more would be good too. You could totally pull it off.

Discussion: I should have drawn the person as the talking sandwich, maybe? Despite the fact that we are observing this scene from outside the second character's perspective? And more importantly despite the fact that I didn't want to?

2024-04-25

The hat hungers

Pictured: a person wears a hat something like a tophat but less rigid. Also, it has wild eyes and long, sharp teeth. The person says, "It's not my style at all, but I inexplicably must have it!" The caption at the bottom: Juniper Sulfurson has just unwittingly begun a symbiotic relationship with a formidable hat.

2024-04-24

Do it right

Starting to think this cloud needs professional help. (This is nothing but my brain is broken and insists on posting sunk costs instead of a rerun.)

2024-04-23

Ward against

A person holds an upside-down coffee mug (printed with "Mondays, am I right?") and shakes the last drips of coffee out, having leapt and landed on one knee, with a fierce glare. Caption: The ritual was said to ward against small talk.

2024-04-22

New captain, not the same as the old captain

Text: "Captain Birdbeard". Pictured: a person with a tuft of hair atop their head and a long, black-and-grey beard in which at least four little yellow birds are nestled.

This isn't really a comic, but who actually cares? I can only get in trouble with myself & I don't really respect that guy's opinion anyway.

2024-04-21

sproing

A snake, coiled into a spring shape, springs through the air behind a weary stick figure. The snake says, "Snake surprise!" The person says, "It's not a surprise if you do it a dozen times a day."

2024-04-20

The joke is cat

This comic is technically in three panels, but I did a weird thing in the first two where a three-step action takes place across them and cuts the border between the two panels where the middle action takes place. A person walks, then falls abruptly backwards, then picks themself up off the ground and says, "Good thing no one saw that!" In the third panel, a cat narrows its eyes and says, "I did, but I ain't sayin' nothin' to nobody."

Here is the promised cat comic. May I have some mainstream success now, please?

2024-04-19

Wasn't going to until

A stick figure with bull-like horns on their head looks annoyed and says, "Well, I wasn't going to gore you until you brought it up."

Struggling today, so here's this scribble from my notebook from a couple weeks ago when I was struggling less. The illegible text says, "Well, I wasn't going to gore you until you brought it up." It's funny because it's relatable! Tune in next time for one where the entire joke is that there's a cat!

2024-04-18

Don't delay! Act today!

In the style of a law firm class action advertisement, a generic person stands with hands on hips, looking just past the viewer, accompanied by the following words: "Were you told you could do or be anything if you believed in yourself and/or put your mind to it? / YOU MAY BE ENTITLED TO COMPENSATION! / Reach out today for a FREE consultation!"

2024-04-17

Thinkin' 'bout

A person is thinking hard. Their thought bubble contains no words, only an image of a desert with a standing hoodoo, a toppled hoodoo, and a couple tumbleweeds.

2024-04-16

Terminal proximity

A glum stick figure holds a large sign: "THE END IS NOT SO NEAR AS I HAD PREVIOUSLY SUPPOSED"

2024-04-15

No thank you

A person has begun to walk across a bridge, but a giant troll stands in the way in the middle and says, not unpleasantly, "To cross this bridge, you must first tell me something you love about yourself." The person glares with folded arms and steps onto the sidewall of the bridge, saying, "Fine, I'll just walk into the river." In the rough water below, a smiling crocodilian looks up at the exchange.

2024-04-14

In which there is Geribald

Panel 1 of 2: A person bursts through a door into a nondescript room where two people are chatting. One of the latter holds a mug. The former shouts, "Geribald sighting! This is not a drill!" Panel 2 of 2: Three figures seen from behind look out a wide window, where they see Geribald walking happily down the sidewalk. Geribald is a vaguely tyrannosaurid dinosaur in stick figure style, and also has a broad mustache. The people looking out the window say, "ooh" and "Looking well!" and "I love it when there is Geribald."

(First seen here.)

2024-04-13

Surprised

2024-04-12

If when then

A person sits on the floor leaning against the front of a couch, a placidly blank expression on their face as they stare forward. "I think I will know what I am finding when I look for it."

2024-04-11

Sorry your name is

A person holds a piece of paper or perhaps an envelope and reads from it. They're standing about two meters from another person. The first says, "I'm sorry...your name is 'Pleurp'?" The second smiles slightly and says, "You don't have to be sorry. You didn't name me that."

It is fun to say, though. I'm going to be your friend so I get to say it all the time, OK?

2024-04-10

The lumberjack code

A person with an axe asks a tree, "Are you a talking tree? I don't cut down talking trees." The tree replies in song, "I'm a singing tree! And I only sing showtunes!"

Thank you for your honesty.

2024-04-09

Concerning

Person looking into mirror says, "Gotta think of something funny... Hating myself is funny, right?" The reflection says, "Actually it's really concerning—" The person cuts off the reflection with "Haha, yeah. Concerning is funny."

Thanks, mirror. Good talk.

2024-04-08

Instincts

Well, yeah, but we also made our own instincts wrong, so.

2024-04-07

Winged life

A stick figure with large, feathery wings emerging from the shoulders and arms hanging dejectedly down. "Birds still don't want to hang out with me."

2024-04-06

Awfully nebulous

A standing person raises hands at their sides and calls out across an empty land, "What is this vague feeling?" A looming cloud says, "It's vagueness. Happy to help."

2024-04-05

Here

2024-04-04

Mistakes

A smiling person leans way back on the hind legs of a chair, arms folded behind head, and says, "Make one mistake and it could really cost you. Screw up in bulk and you tap into economy of scale."

2024-04-03

Hatless

Panel 1 of 3: Orlo Cube removes the top hat. Under it, a smaller bowler hat remains on his head. Panel 2 of 3: Orlo removes the second, inner hat, under which is a bright yellow bird. Panel 3 of 3: We see Orlo from the eyes up, head raised for the first time in a long time, the bird still perched atop his head as he looks up over the grey blocky buildings of the studio lot and into a slightly green-blue sky with fluffy clouds.

2024-04-02

Shut it down

Orlo Cube sits dejected on a curb somewhere on the studio lot, still wearing the top hat. A worker pushes a cart bearing the grave stone of Persephone Waits (as seen in 2024-03-31's comic) and says to Orlo, "Wardrobe's looking for you. They need two hats back."

2024-04-01

Midseason cancelation

Today's comic is divided into three 'pages' with four panels total. Panel 1 of 4: Orlo Cube, wearing the top hat, bursts into the office of some kind of studio bigwig and says, "You can't cancel Dramatis Personae!" The executive, sitting at their desk, says, "Can and must! It was going nowhere! Just character after quirky character, with the static shots and that weird voice narrating..." Panel 2 of 4: The angle has changed; the reader is now looking over Orlo's shoulder at the executive, still seated at the desk. Now the angle permits a view of a sparsely populated desk, with only a smartphone face down and a stack of folders full of documents. The exec continues: "People can tolerate an auteur, John, but there are limits." Orlo says, "My name is Orlo. Orlo Cube." The exec replies, "Very method. But you gotta let it go. Figure out what's next." Panel 3 of 4: a closeup on Orlo from the chest up, head leaning down so as to obscure Orlo's eyes, hands raised at the sides of face, gestculating. "But we never found out the Secret of the Inner Hat!" Panel 4 of 4: Now Orlo's head droops, eyes still obscured the hat's brim. "*I* never found out."

2024-03-31

Not appearing in this film

A grave stone inscribed "Persephone Waits / not yet". Bottom caption: And here is Persephone Waits, who is going to sit this one out.

2024-03-30

Creighton about

A distant stick figure walks with a walking stick. You can't make this stuff up. There are the sorts of rocks a glacier might have left behind a long time ago. Caption: "Creighton Splatt, who knows a thing or two but can't recall which, wants to be your friend but doesn't want to go to your thing."

Nothing can be allowed to interfere with foggy morning strolls.

2024-03-29

Juice is back! ...in book form

Top has a director pointing a finger and saying "Annnd cut to commercial." Below this, a frame contains the commercial (advertisement) where a smiling person holds a large book "Juiceposting" and a bottle of juice ("Juice that makes you respond to adverts") and says, "Do you like juice? Do you like books? Do you like juice that makes you read a book about juice that makes you read a book et cetera? Of course you do! Great news: JUICE BOOK (ko-fi.com/CrustaceanSingles)". PAY WHAT YOU WANT!

GET IT HERE

2024-03-28

Something to pass the time

Panel 1 of 2: Top caption: "Orlo Cube discovers who's been leaving the mysterious papers," Pictured: Orlo Cube approaches a figure with a hat and scarf obscuring their face, crouching next to a gravestone, leaving a helium balloon tied to a rock which rock holds in place a sheet of paper covered in writing. The gravestone reads "In loving mermy" and the balloon is printed "get well soon". Panel 2 of 2: Orlo seen from the back watches the mysterious figure run away. While fleeing, the figure shouts "Everybody needs a hobby! Bye!" Bottom caption: "but is hardly closer to a resolution."

Does this count as advancing the plot?

2024-03-27

The people were astonished at this doctrine

The top half of the image is text containing prose as follows: Mrs. Finnikin said, "Father! There you are! I passed by the parsonage to bring you a loaf of bread—I always bake too much—and, well, I was looking for you and—" "Thank you, that was very kind," said Codspittle. She ignored this; something else troubled her. "Yes, but Father, does the Church know they've sent you to such a dilapidated dwelling?" The bottom half of the image is a comic, with the Reverend Codspittle (who is secretly the being Amunizuwrim) wearing a broad black hat and a dark burgundy jacket and saying, "The comforts of this world offer no rest to me." to Mrs. Finnikin. The latter wears a handkerchief over her head, large glasses, and a dress with a subtle floral print. She looks perhaps stunned at what Codspittle has said and replies, "...I see."

The people were astonished at this doctrine.
(This one won't make sense, let alone have a chance at amusing, unless you've read last Wednesday's comic.)
(And yes, putting so many words in a comic is frowned upon, but this is how I wanted it & also getting in trouble is made up.)

2024-03-26

Perilously close

A stick figure in a wide-brimmed sun hat stands on lumpy ground amidst thin growths growing up to shin height. She holds a garden hoe over one shoulder. Caption: "Mimsy Plinth, whom all birds trust implicitly, is perilously close to discovering the secret of true and abiding happiness."

2024-03-25

Cannot dance

Deadly on the dance floor.

2024-03-24

A real person with real feelings

Top caption: "Get to know Blatherford B. Bartleby Blackenspiel Bertram Burroughsby a little before asking the inevitable question. You'll get a better answer." Illustration of a stick figure in one of those medium-brimmed hats with the butt shape on top. I don't know what those are called. The person walks with a cane against a background of hills and a little pond with a single duck floating on it.

2024-03-23

Why, dog, why?

Top caption: "Somewhere out there, Margo Thrombosia knows, is a dog or dogs that wouldn't like her, and this certainty preoccupies and saddens Margo every day." Pictured: Margo, wearing a lime green beanie, crouches on a low stool and holds her head in her hands with a distraught expression.

2024-03-22

That's odd

Top caption: "Orlo Cube keeps finding sheets of paper in odd places. Printed on each is a name and an enigmatic description." Pictured: Orlo, wearing a top hat the brim of which conceals his tipped head's eyes from our perspective, holds up a sandwich, slightly separating the upper from lower healves. Inside the sandwich is a folded paper with visible words "is a snail, by the way." The rest is obscured by the top bread. Orlo frowns. Bottom caption: "Orlo has no idea who these people are or what any of it could mean."

2024-03-21

Growing things

A stick figure kneels on the ground to examine some young plants. Atop the tallest leaf, a snail has climbed and its weight is bending the leaf over. The figure looks on in wonder. Caption: "Clarence Squaredon, apprentice groundskeeper until last Tuesday, cannot bear to thin the seedlings."

Time to find a new future. Again.

2024-03-20

A messenger of sorts

Pictured: an awkward person wears a sort of dark cowl and a broad black hat, looking upward like a subject in an El Greco painting, and holds a thick book under one arm. "The Reverend Codspittle so badly wants to be a shining example of the goodness of which human beings are capable. But Codspittle is in fact Amunizuwrim, an actual angelic being in a disguise that feels increasingly constrictive and unconvincing."

2024-03-19

Remaining

A stick figure in a floppy blue-green hat stands slightly slumped in front of a patch of tall, slender plants, perhaps bamboo. One of her hands rests on a hip, while the other hangs loosely. Caption: "Mimsy Plinth, whose footfall strikes fear into the hearts of worms, feels the world leaving her behind. She'll not go chasing after it, so she'll make the best of the emptying existence around her."

This is by no means the last we'll see of our friend Mimsy Plinth.

2024-03-18

Kurt McGurth

I guess this is a thing I am doing now?

CrustaceanSingles presents: Dramatis Personae

2024-03-17

All was not lost

A person stands under the leafy canopy of tall, graceful trees. The person wears a top hat and, for the viewer's sake, a small cross-section inside the hat is shown: atop the wearer's head inside the top hat, a tiny bowler hat is also worn. Top caption: "All was not lost, thought Orlo. There was still the Secret of the Inner Hat."

Every echo, every shadow seemed to tremble in the mysterious presence of its hidden possibility.

2024-03-16

Positive

A doctor (wearing a nametag "Doctor Doctor MD") holds a clipboard and addressed a person with a snake biting their head who is sitting (the person, not the snake; the snake is just hanging there off the head) on an examination table. The doctor says, "You tested positive." In an inset frame in the bottom right, we zoom in on the snake and top of the person's head; the snake looks alarmed and says, "Oh no."

2024-03-15

Pipe dream again

2024-03-14

Cavorting cattle

Two cows stand on their hind legs and act as jesters; one wears the classic hat with three curved tails and bells at the tips and holds a tambourine, while the other prances in a pointed hat and long curl-toed shoes. Caption: "Cow fools."

2024-03-13

A collection

Dangerously wrong ideas, yes, but not particularly dangerous game.

2024-03-12

Bona fides

A patient sits on an examination table and asks, "You keep saying 'neuronurgy'... Are you even a real doctor?" The person in a white doctor's coat glances over a clipboard held up in one hand and replies, "No, but I did minor in impostor studies." On the wall in the background, a flier reading "Pls join study" with otherwise illegible text is pinned. Below that, another reads "Supporte greup" (support group). To the right, a medical diagram poster has a stick figure with superimposed brain and nervous system. The poster is labeled in some sort of pseudo-Dutch and French hybrid: "De broens & de neurfs of de huemmeun / Wat is de broen? En mizurabbel piel of neurns."

2024-03-11

Soup that makes you act weird

One person says to another, "You've been acting so weird ever since you started eating that soup all the time. What *is* it?" The other, holding a steaming cup, grins a little manically and says, "The guy who sells it out of his van calls it 'Bolivian Marching Chowder'."

The name of the soup has been an intrusive thought running through my head for days, so this is mostly an attempt to exorcise it.

2024-03-10

Not just because

A demonic figure, in the form of a corrupted member of the Ophanim with two wheel-like bands of eyes but with a chaotic mass of tentacles growing from the bottom, says, "I'm not just saying this because I'm a demon. I really do think you should kill your neighbors."

2024-03-09

But how

One person, standing on the floor, looks up in confusion at someone else who is walking on the ceiling. The first asks, "How are you doing that?" The other replies, "The trick is, I'm not. I'm only pretending."

2024-03-08

Thank you for being here

In the hollow of a low hill still ensconced in shadow as the dawn breaks in the sky beyond, Grambo crouches next to a round bird and says, "The bad news is, it's another day. / The good news is, we've still got each other."

2024-03-07

Guaranteed

This spiritual continuation of today's comic has been lingering in my mind all day, insisting upon itself. I'm supposed to keep this kind of thing on my ko-fi and then link to it on all the platforms, but then the algorithm punishes me for encouraging you go offsite and anyway, this is important enough* that I want everyone to see it.

* No I'm not a paid shill for the Cloaca-Industrial Complex & I can't believe you would accuse me of that.

Why can't my life be simple

I think about this conversation a lot.

2024-03-06

Shortcut

A strange, antlered quadruped with the face of a human stick figure stands at the start of a path into a dark forest and says, "Would you say anyone knows you took a shortcut through the forest today?"

Reusing art with new writing is better than posting a rerun is better than posting nothing is better than trying to force it when it's not possible (???)

See the origin of the character here (it's the same drawing)

2024-03-05

The plan

Top caption: There is no plan. A person stretches out on a couch (you may know it as a sofa. Or a chesterfield? Does anyone really say that?), content and relaxed. Bottom caption: Everything is going according to plan.

2024-03-04

Weird dream

One person sits in a cage suspended by a chain over a fire. They are smiling and saying, "And then when the dream ended, here I was, telling you about it." The person they're speaking to, presumably their captor, listens with a perplexed expression and folded arms.

I have been on the phone all day trying to get my first delivery of the latest & greatest injectable bone-hurting juice (MS drug) without spending eight thousand freedom bucks a month (and yes it is very messed up that my auditory processing disorder and I just had to power through the very inaccessible medium of highly compressed audio in this twenty-first century) and so anyway, to conclude this oversharing rant, here is some nonsense straight from my drafting notebook.

2024-03-03

Welcome to Hell!

2024-03-02

Cool accent

   Real things people have said to me: "It sounds like you're an American who grew up at an embassy in Europe or something. / Is that a Canadian dialect? / Are you from one of those little islands off the coast of New England...? / It's gotta be one of the Commonwealth countries, right?"
   (It's currently *mostly* hyperarticulation to compensate for the brain damage.)
   (For the record, I don't really mind. I have a linguistics background & a front-row seat to witness a very interesting catastrophe.)

2024-03-01

It's getting away

A person sits on the ground in an approximately meditative pose, eyes shut serenely, and says, "Is your stream of consciousness running? / Better go catch it!" A bird sitting on a rock listens, confused.

I think I'd like a refund on these meditation lessons.

2024-02-29

One bottle left

Panel 1 of 4: A stick figure viewed from the chest up smiles and says, "Juice time." Panel 2 of 4: The same figure crouches before an opened refrigerator, looking and reaching for a the back of a shelf and thinking, "One bottle left at the back. Passed over every time before It is your turn at last." Visible on the door shelf of the fridge are some bottles, one marked with a plus-minus symbol and another with an ampersand, and two jars appearing to contain a forked gherkin and kalamata olives respectively. On the top shelf, a container marked "dubious paste" and a jug labeled "ilk minus". Panel 3 of 4: A closeup: the figure's hand holds a bottle of dark purple juice with a dark purple-grey label reading "The Final Juice". Panel 4 of 4: The view returns to chest up of the figure, who now frowns with a hand pensively rested on their chin and says, "Ehhh...not that thirsty." END

Thanks for joining me on this juiceposting journey. Tomorrow I return to the wilderness, resuming my usual wanderings until I find the next obsession.
BUT—!
Over the last month, I drafted many, many more adventures in juice. I am going to compile them, along with the dailies I've posted & various notes & commentaries, into a small book or zine. I'm going to aim for a digital version on a pay-what-you want basis and see if I can even manage that much. A stretch goal would be to produce a limited run of physical copies to sell or trade.
If you want to help make that happen, here are some things you can do: 1) comment something to the effect of "do it do it DO IT" / 2) deliver a small monetary encouragement at ko-fi.com/CrustaceanSingles / 3) send me any Juice That Makes You Less of A Disaster you may have lying about.
Thanks for reading.

2024-02-28

Merely

Panel 1 of 2: One person stands at a table, pouring juice from a bottle labeled 'juice' into one of two glasses on the table, and asks another person at the opposite side of the table, "Hey, you want some of this juice?" The other looks interested but wary and asks, "I dunno...what does it do to you?" Panel 2 of 2: Same scene. The first replies, "'What does it do to you?' It's just juice. You drink it." The other answers, a little annoyed, "That's all? Why bother?"

If it doesn't show you a world where you don't exist, or make you speak in riddles, or with a little luck turn you into one or more birds, what's even the point?

2024-02-27

Moving on

Panel 1 of 3: a hand holds a bottle. The label reads "Juice that helps you move on". Panel 2 of 3: A stick figure tips the bottle with a blank expression and thinks, "Here goes nothing..." Panel 3 of 3: The figure holds the bottle and stares blankly past it. The space behind them is occupied by a large thought bubble. At the top of the thought bubble, a bird says, "We can't be friends anymore" in hand-lettered text; a memory. Below this, the words, "It happened. It was bad. It is over now and I am not."

Am I ready? Is there such a thing?
(I've made a version with the top of the third panel's thought bubble cleared and transparent for your editing convenience: https://ko-fi.com/i/IW7W8UZI7P. Consider this an invitation.)

2024-02-26

Anger

Panel 1 of 3: a bottle sits on a table. The label reads "Irascible juice". Panel 2 of 3: a stick figure has drunk the contents of the bottle and, with an angry face, thinks, "Ugh! Spicy *and* bitter?" Panel 3 of 3: A second figure asks, "What does 'irascible' mean?" The first replies, "I don't know and I a very angry about it."

2024-02-25

Bottled sky

Depicted is the shape of a glass bottle on a table. Instead of the glass material, label, or contents, the outline of the bottle is like a hole in its own scene, one behind which is seen a landscape painting, more or less realistic according to my abilities. A flat, dark ocean occupies no more than a tenth of the bottle's volume at the bottom, above which is a sky full of fluffy clouds. This is all intended to resemble the style and themes of Magritte's work without copying any one painting and in keeping with the theme of bottles of juice that I've been constraining myself to this month. Oh, and also there's some writing carved into the table: "AL (heart with a '7' in it) SM". It's unrelated to the rest of the image.

DRINK? Y/N
(Turns out I wasn't done with Magritte. I'm never done with Magritte.)

2024-02-24

Forming

Panel 1 of 3: a bottle sits on a table. The label reads "Reconfiguration juice". Panel 2 of 3: a stick figure drinks the contents of the bottle and thinks, "Might be nice..." Panel 3 of 3: The first figure now has a combined head and body in the shape of a melting blob, with both arms and legs emerging from the bottom. A second figure, this one gigantic with a happy monster face and clawed hands says, "Pretty great stuff, huh?"

2024-02-23

Being and Uselessness

Depicted is a glass bottle filled with liquid. The label reads, "Ceci n'est pas du jus." In English, "This is not juice." It is an allusion to René Magritte's "La Trahison des Images" (The Treachery of Images) which depicts a pipe and is sub-titled "Ceci n'est pas une pipe." I even copied the handwriting.

Juice that lazily appropriates an important piece of philosophical art by one of my favorite artists ever, adding essentially nothing to it.
Or maybe it doesn't meet the legal definition of 'juice' because of additives and adulterants. Or something.
.
(Some of you may recall from intermediate French that the partitive article reduces to de/d' after a negation, but negation with être is in fact an exception to the rule. Knowing obscure French grammar and teaching it to fellow undergrads was my actual job for a couple years. Do not take me for a conjurer of cheap tricks.)

2024-02-22

When

Panel 1 of 3: A person holds a bottle, the label of which is turned so as to show only three the ends of three lines of text: "ral / ction / e". The person faces another person and says, "Time itself is breaking down." The first asks, "Oh hey, how's that juice?" Panel 2 of 3: The same person holding the bottle from panel 1 now holds the bottle over their mouth, a troubled look on their face, and thinks, "It's now again?" The bottle is now turned in such a way that the label reveals only "tem / disju / ju". Panel 3 of 3: A bottle sits on a table. The label reads "Temporal Disjunction Juice".

2024-02-21

Good idea

2024-02-20

The ordeal

Panel 1 of 2: a bottle sits on a table. The label reads "Trial by Juice". Panel 2 of 2: a person holds the bottle high over their mouth, having just drained it, and thinks, "Guess I'll finally find out whether I'm pure in heart!"

2024-02-19

Confidence

Panel 1 of 3: a bottle sits on a table. The label reads "Juice that makes you confident". Panel 2 of 3: a stick figure has drunk the contents of the bottle and, with the last drop lingering on the mouth of said bottle as it's held over their mouth, thinks, "Sure would be nice..." Panel 3 of 3: A second figure asks, "Do you believe in yourself yet?" The first replies, "I've never been more sure of my self-loathing."