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2023-03-31

Bad dream

 

Panel 1 of 3, taking place in a thought cloud: a stick figure sits at a desk with a pen and paper and says, "Time to think of something funny." Panel 2 of 3: it was only a dream. The kid who dreamed it awakes and clutches head in hands and screams, "AHHHHH". Panel 3 of 3: Still in the dark bedroom. One parent with hand on the kid's shoulder and says, "It's only a bad dream." Another parent leans over the bed and adds, "You don't have to be a cartoonist when you grow up."

Some fates are easily avoidable.

(Patrons of the CrustaceanSingles Patreon got to see a very rough draft of this one two days ago. Must be nice, huh?)

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2023-03-30

Please inquire

A vacantly smiling stick figure wears a T-shirt with printed text reading "Ask me about my insatiable need to trap strangers in interminable conversations".

 

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2023-03-29

Skill issue

 

One spider stands astride multiple chaotic strands of web and says, "What a tangled web we weave". Another spider dangles defeatedly from another strand of the chaotic mess of filament and says, "Yes. We are not good at webs."

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2023-03-28

Please, bro

 

Pictured: a scene in a coral reef. From one outcropping of coral hangs a sign reading "Please don't high-five the hand squid." A squid with a hand-shaped mantle says, "Come on, bro. Don't leave me hangin'."

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2023-03-27

In search of frustration

 

Panel 1 of 2: a smiling stick figure thinks, "I'd like to be more frustrated with everything and everyone." Panel 2 of 2: "I should become an expert on something!"

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2023-03-26

Divisive poetry

 

Pictured: a single rod-shaped bacterium holds a pen in one of its flagella and writes on a sheet of paper, with the words of the in-progress poem magnified for the reader: "anyone lived in a pretty how biofilm / (with up so floating many nutrients) / lag division replication quiescence / it signaled its didn't it divided its did". The bottom caption is the author's name: "e. e. coli".

They're going to take away my poetic license for this one.

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2023-03-25

I will not fight

 

A stick figure stands with folded arms and a look of consternated exasperation. "I'm not going to fight you. I can't handle secondhand embarrassment."

Telling prospective foes your greatest weakness is a real power move.

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2023-03-24

In which Murv lingers

Murv, a stick figure, addresses a point above his eyeline and sort of cups a hand to project his voice: "Hello? Writer? It's been a couple days since you said I was about to die... I'm just wondering whether you have a timeframe in mind. Should I make plans for the weekend? This is Murv, by the way.
 

I KNEW there was something I was forgetting to do.
(Continuity? In my CrustaceanSingles? It's more likely than you think! See Tuesday's comic for the start of this arc.)

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2023-03-23

Motive and intent

Panel 1 of 2: one stick figure lies face-down on a rolling office chair under a blanket and rolls forward. Another stick figure asks, "Why are you doing that?" Panel 2 of 2: the figure on the office chair has rolled around the standing one and is now crouched atop the seat and rotating in the chair, the blanket worn like a hooded cape. Their reply: "just to be safe."

 

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2023-03-22

All the world

A stick figure stands against a dramatic red background, one foot on the ground and one dramatically on a box, and holds one skull up as though in conversation with it while holding two other skulls with the other arm and hand. Bottom caption: " All the world's a stage, and though I cannot see the audience, I hear them booing all the time."
 
"Perhaps my art isn't for everyone."

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2023-03-21

What a guy

 

Top caption text: "This is Murv. He likes all the things you like. He has palatable quirks. He's a good listener & a supportive friend. What a guy! Too bad he's about to die." The character Murv (probably pronounced like 'Murph' but with a 'v') stands smiling with hands on hips and says, "That's disappointing, but thank you for the opportunity to be in your comic!"

The focus group said I needed identifiable, likable characters.

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2023-03-20

The best of all

 

Panel 1 of 2: a shot of an open birthday card as viewed in first person. The lefthand side of the spread shows three balloons with smiling faces; the righthand side contains the writing "May your final birthday be the best of all!" and "final" is crossed out in red ink. Panel 2 of 2: The stick figure holding the card looks troubled and says, "'Final'?" The one who gave the card has a facial expression indicating tension that can't quite be concealed and says, "Probably just a typo."

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2023-03-19

Boing

three tiny islets extend in an approximate line from the foreground diagonally into the distance. Each has a trampoline on it. The middle one also has a palm tree. A stick figure has just bounced off the trampoline in the foreground in the direction of the middle islet. Bottom caption: "Island hopping."

 

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2023-03-18

Flying squirrel

Panel 1 of 2: a squirrel is seen from the shoulder up, tilted nose-down somewhat, against a blue sky with fluffy white clouds. Thought bubble: "Wow, flying is incredible!" Panel 2 of 2: the same squirrel is viewed in full, revealing that it has wings of its own and is not in the claws of a raptor. It has a smug expression and thinks, "Time to flex on some birds of prey."

 It really is that cool.

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2023-03-17

The comic that is bad

Title at the top: "The comic that is bad / & knows it is bad" A stick figure sits at a desk and writes or draws on a sheet of paper while thinking a thought bubble that spirals around them and their desk in a circle that takes up most of the panel: "I suck. I am aware that I suck. I am aware that said awareness doesn't justify or mitigate the fact that I suck. I am aware that all this awareness does my work no favors and doesn't make me endearing. I am aware..." In the bottom left corner, a bird pokes its head into the frame and looks upon the main contents and says "yikes". In the bottom right corner, a stick figure pokes into the frame from chest up, gazes up at it all and asks, "What if you just made it good instead?"

"I may be spiraling a little."

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2023-03-16

Snake variants

A snake with one hump on its back is labeled "Dromedary snake". Another with two humps is labeled "Bactrian snake".

 Stick around with CrustaceanSingles and you just might learn a thing or two!

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2023-03-15

Extreme slowness

 
In a dark cave with stalactite and stalagmite formations, a snail crawls along the ceiling. From its shell, two little stalactites hang. Bottom caption: "In the high-stakes world of extreme slowness, Ceiling Sal is a living legend."

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2023-03-14

Networking nightmare

 

Two humanoid figures stand facing each other; the one on the right holds a healthy crab and looks nonplussedly over at the other's proffered limp lobster and deflated facial expression. Caption: "But of course, the chance meeting's promise of a lucky break—so long-awaited and desperately needed—all fell apart when it came time to exchange business crabs."
 

Don't let this happen to you! Enter promo code CRSTCNSNGLS for 20% off your first order on custombusinesscrabsdeliveredtoyourdoor dot net

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2023-03-13

We couldn't reach you

A stick figure, a bird, and the antlery forest keeper are gathered around a giant tree stump, atop which sits a very large pizza. Sasquatch arrives and looks on sadly. The human figure turns and says, "Sorry, dude...it's really hard to invite you to things when you're totally off the grid."

 When not even the forest keeper can find you, you're really off the grid.

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2023-03-12

Gathering

Two stick figures wear neolithic clothing and engage in gathering; one crouches over a bush in which at least two cats are partly contained, and another kneels before plants growings thumbs-up icons, a basket with already-harvested upvote and heart icons on the ground at the ready. Caption: "Early humans foraging for dopamine."

The archaeological record suggests they were able to meet their needs with as little as twelve hours of gathering in a week.

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2023-03-11

The engine searches

Pictured: a web search on "gooble" has returned "results" as follows: "You searched for 'specific solution to niche problem' / Did you actually mean: 'vague SEO spam about something completely unrelated' ? ...Because that's all we're going to show you anyway."

 Remember back when search engines were somewhat usable? That was nice.

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2023-03-10

That empty feeling

Two balloons with faces float next to a window. One has a despondent expression and says, "sure, I still float & bob & squeak, but on the inside? on the inside, I've been popped for a looong time now". The other looks concerned. Out the window, a bird flies by carrying a sword with its feet, though this is unrelated.

"But listen to me going on and on! How are you enjoying the new neighborhood?"

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2023-03-09

The formalization of dibs

 

A snake bites onto the top of a pole planted in the sand of a beach and stretches its length out parallel to the ground, making itself into a banner. "I claim this land in the name of snakes!" A little crab nearby says, "You what?"


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2023-03-08

I am a rock in a stream

Pictured: a stream flows across a forest landscape; plants grow among fallen leaves and stones on the banks of the stream. One rock is in the stream, partially submerged. Top caption: "I am a rock in a stream. Thoughts and sensations arise, passing over and around me like water; only I remain." Bottom caption: "I am a pissed-off rock in an irritating stream..."

This is the meditation that got me through a four-hour infusion of ocrelizumab yesterday. Maybe you will find it helpful, too.

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2023-03-07

It never is

 

A figure holds a phone to their ear and says, "Hello?" From the earpiece comes a speech bubble with some stank on it, containing the words "heavy breathing". The figure responds, "No, that's not the password." This appears to be taking place in a flat, sandy desert. Near the figure's feet are two small columnar cacti, and in the sky flies a brown bird, perhaps a hawk, carrying a briefcase in its talons.

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2023-03-06

Downhill ever since

 

A person stands atop a rocky mountain top and, looking down at a valley below, says, "What a beautiful day!" The sun in the sky replies, "Not really. You shoulda seen this place a couple galactic years ago. Been going downhill ever since."

We showed up to a dying party. (Galactic years are a cool thing to know about, at least.)

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2023-03-05

Small differences

 

Panel 1: a stick figure smiles with hands on hips and says, "Of *course* I'll come to your show! I wouldn't miss it for the world!" Panel 2: same figure now has one hand on their chin, contemplatively: "A slightly better world, maybe, but not this one."

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2023-03-04

Comment section

 

A smirking figure hunches over a laptop at a desk in a dark room and types into a comment box: "You don't understand. I'm angry at people online because I'm a *success*. I've already driven off everyone in real life. This is like a bonus level for me."
 

"And I have managed to convince myself that upvotes and downvotes both mean I'm right, so."

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2023-03-03

Don't stare into the Abyss

 

A humanoid figure runs down a set of stairs, calling out to a cat who is staring over the edge of a platform into a chaotic void: "No, Existence Cat! Don't stare into the Abyss!" The cat has a faraway look and says, "It's too late. / I've seen everything and reflected it back into the void like a scrying pool. / My passwords are definitely all compromised."

I have got to stop leaving the basement door open.

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2023-03-02

It's juice time

Panel 1 of 3: a bottle sits on a table. The label reads "Juice that makes you forget one bad experience" Panel 2 of 3: a stick figure drinks/has drunk the contents of the bottle and, with the last drop lingering on the mouth of said bottle as it's held over their mouth, thinks, "Ugh, this is terrible" Panel 3 of 3: A second figure asks, "Oh hey, how's that juice?" The first replies, "I don't know...fine."

 

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2023-03-01

Maybe it is two things

 

A person walking by in the middle distance, smiling, waves and says, "Cool hat!" to a character in the foreground. The latter, who has something resembling a gigantic cluster of grapes on top of their head, says, "Thanks! Actually it is a horrific scalp disease."

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