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2023-10-02

A costume in poor taste

A person with a candy corn-colored unicorn horn points at said horn happily and says, "I'm a Uni-Candy-Corn! Get it?" Another person, very displeased about the whole idea, says, "If by 'it' you mean the urge to never speak to you again, then yes. I get it."

This is a free costume idea. But if you use it, I do want pictures.

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2023-10-01

Every house

A hermit crab sits on a rock and gesticulates with one claw. "Every house I've ever lived in has been haunted. It's not a big deal."

 

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2023-09-30

In accordance with the prophecy

A parent or guardian reaches out a hand to a small child and says, "Come on, Omen. Let's go." A bystander asks, "You named your kid 'Omen'?" The first says, "No, a warlock did." Possibly unrelated but probably not unimportant: two faint pointy-eared creatures observe the exchange from behind some bushes.

 

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2023-09-29

Do be do be do

A spiritual seeker kneels before a teacher and says, "I don't know what to do with myself." The teacher raises a didactic finger and serenely says, "First you must learn to be with yourself." The seeker says, "Oh. That's way worse."

 

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2023-09-28

I spy

Two stick figures walk on a trail through a forest. The first looks around and says, "I spy with my little eye..." The second, who has one large eye and one tiny eye, frowns and crosses arms crossly, saying, "You know I hate this game." In the background, two pointy-eared creatures peek around plants and watch the two. Also, a bat hangs from one of the trees. Hell yeah! It's bat time!

 

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2023-09-27

Sartorial vastness

An advertisement says, "Come on down to Shen's Shirt Barn, home of the Shirt That's Just Way Too Big!" and has a picture of a barn and a person in a cowboy hat and a nondescript T-shirt. Below the advertisement, a person is wearing a shirt so big that it trails behind them on the floor even as they are standing up. The person says, "It'll probably shrink in the wash."

 "What have I done?" I asked myself, and then I looked at the screen and it was this. This is what I had done, and it was too late to make a different thing.

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2023-09-26

Bird self

A crow painted in digital watercolor, with (attempted) iridescent purples and blues and greens steps kind of awkwardly with one foot. Top caption: I don't understand myself. Bottom caption: I just experience myself.

 

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2023-09-25

Banana nomenclature

 

Pictured: an angry banana with a face (the face shows the anger, but the whole banana is angry). Q: What do you call a talking banana? A: Anything you want. Just because it can talk doesn't mean it can move. The banana says, "I am filled with impotent rage."

For Remake Monday, I've improved the wording and redone the coloring but left the 2017 version's Crustacean Sans, which was my second attempt at a handlettering typeface. It turned out better than it had any right to, even though I made it so light that I only ever used it in word processor-simulated bold. (Come to think of it, I could fix that now, although I think ultimately it's too clean compared to QuickClaw, the one I use almost all the time now.)

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2023-09-24

Just screaming

 

Panel 1 of 4: a blobby creature in a desolate landscape screams. A stick figure approaches. Panel 2 of 4: The blob and the stick figure both scream, facing each other. Panel 3 of 4: The stick figure explains, "To be clear, I was screaming with you, not at you." Panel 4 of 4: The blob smiles while emitting the same scream as before. But now happy? THE END

Four panels? On my CrustaceanSingles? It may be more likely than you think! (I don't know how likely you think it is.)

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2023-09-23

OK

A figure resembling a half-abstractified version of Clippy, the failed Microsoft entity, announces that "Trouble is on its way". A hypercube appears below its speech bubble containing the response "OK." and a mouse cursor approaches the hypercube. Weird, huh?

I've come to the conclusion that if I'm to continue CrustaceanSingles at all, I have to give myself room to make weird nonsense like this. Thank you for understanding.

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2023-09-22

Betrayal

 

One person stands at the edge of a cliff, arms raised in anger, while another escapes in a hot air balloon of which the ballast bags are labeled with dollar signs. The one on the cliff says, "I can't believe you'd betray me like this!" The one in the balloon says, "I know, right? I always expected the circumstances of my betrayal would be way different."
Don't laugh, but I always imagined there'd be music playing.

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2023-09-21

OK so what if

 

A person has a thought bubble that descends into total illegibility after starting with "OK so what if there's this person at a bus stop". The thought bubble is rapidly floating away and the person is reaching futilely after it, calling, "No, come back! I'm not done with you!"


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2023-09-20

Outside again

 

The eerie long-limbed stick figure from yesterday's comic is now walking away from the building and towards the reader. The night is still dark blue and full of fluffy white clouds, with a crescent moon above the building. The building is shown to be a section of undestroyed structure floating in the air above the rubble and wreckage of the rest of it; in the top right window, a daylit blue sky with its own white clouds can still be seen. After visiting that window yesterday, the walking figure's body, head, and eyes are now also filled with the light blue daylit sky and whatever clouds are behind the figure.

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2023-09-19

That thing again

An exterior wall of an apartment building or hotel, with a grid of four windows within the frame and a narrow patch of sky visible over the flat roof. The sky is dark and full of fluffy backlit clouds. A crescent moon is almost centered above the grid of windows. The upper right window's curtains are the only ones pulled open; a stick figure with extremely long legs and arms stands to the lower right and looks in. Inside this window is a bright blue daylit sky with fluffy white clouds.

 

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2023-09-18

This feels like my fault somehow

A person pulls aside a curtain and looks out the window, where the sky is a mottled grey and populated with black-outlined, textureless cloud shapes suspended from barbed hooks attached to thin black lines extending up and out of the frame. The person says, "The sky is doing that thing again."

 

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2023-09-17

Awfully reflective out there

 

A person pulls aside a curtain and looks out the window, where the sky has been replaced with a reflection of the same person pulling aside the same curtain, and out that window the sky has also been replaced with a reflection of the same person pulling aside the same curtain, and on and on until the pixels get too tiny to make out. The person says, "The sky is doing that thing again."

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2023-09-16

Consider this an invitation

 

A person pulls aside a curtain and looks out the window, where the sky has been replaced with the alpha channel familiar to those who spend too much time editing images using layers. It's a white-on-grey checker pattern that shows wherever pixels aren't and under pixels that are at less than 100% opacity. The person says, "The sky is doing that thing again."

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2023-09-15

A matter of taste

A person with a human head and a cephalopod's eight-limbed body gesticulates in frustration against a dark background, perhaps of flowing ink, and says, "Yes, my limbs taste anything they touch / No, I do not like the taste of most things".

 

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2023-09-14

In the frame

 

In the foreground, seen from the back, a stick figure holds up a wide frame in front of two other standing stick figures. One of these two holds up exasperated hands and says, "Come on, man. Put that down." The other, arms folded, adds, "We already said we don't want to be in your comic."

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2023-09-13

Better

A child looks at an adult's head, replacing the hat they are wearing with a thought bubble containing a sort of tophat with branching arms and flat tops, like a candelabra cactus if it were a tophat. Also, a bright orange feather in the hatband. The child says, "I am imagining you with a better hat." The adult smiles and replies, "That's very kind of you."

 Please imagine me with a better comic.

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2023-09-12

And now we wait

Parent, peeking around the wall in the background: Whatcha doin', kiddo? Child, having set up a cardboard box manual fall trap leaning on a forked stick with a string and holding the other end of the string, which cardboard box is clumsily labeled "angel food" with an arrow pointing down: If I catch an angel, I get to make a wish when I let it go. Parent: I don't think— Angel, small and made of interlocking wheels with seven eyes and six wings: No, it's true. But that's a big 'if'.

 

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2023-09-11

Sanctions

Two parents stand facing a child. One parents wears glasses and has a supportive arm over the other's shoulder; the other has a high ponytail and folded arms. On the floor in front of the child is a hammer and several nails, most of which are haphazardly driven into the floor. The ponytail parent says, "The Parental League hereby informs you that sanctions on your behavior will begin with a TV embargo and may escalate to suspension of financial aid." The child, frustrated, says, "This paternalistic attitude is... oh, right."
 

(This is more of a re-run than a remake (though I added a little detail and cleaned up a couple errant lines from the original), but listen. I had to keep Glasses Dad as-is. I can't explain it but maybe you will understand.)

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2023-09-10

Just right

A three-toed sloth lounges on a log in a jungle, smiling. Between its outstretched arms, three grumpy toads sit on the log. You may suspect where I am going with this. Caption: Two was too few and four would be too many. I love being a three-toad sloth.

 

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2023-09-09

Look over there!

Pictured: a squid whose upper body is in the shape of a giant hand, which is pointing behind it with its index finger. Two fish and a shark look at the finger or in the direction it is pointing. Caption: The handsquid uses distraction.

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2023-09-08

Used to be

 

Three birds sit on bare branches, another on a bush, and a fifth on the ground. The first says, "You know, I used to be an accounts executive." The second replies, "I used to be a systems analyst." The third looks a little annoyed and says, "Am I the only one around here that didn't used to be a human?" The fourth tilts its head and says, "Who said anything about being human?" The fifth adds, "I used to be an HR director."

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2023-09-07

New song

 

The single panel is divided into two subpanels occupying continguous space but suggesting a brief passage of time. In the first subpanel, a person is playing a guitar by licking the strings. The guitar is also missing some strings. In the second subpanel, the same person has stopped playing and now asks a second person, "So that's my new song...how do you like it?" The second person says, "My opinion is irrelevant. You are already too powerful to be stopped."

I used to write songs all the time & have been dusting some of them off lately & have begun to contemplate inflicting them on you, the innocent readers of my comics

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2023-09-06

Free thinker

 

A person smilingly says "I'm a free thinker, you know? I only think thoughts that aren't already taken." Thought bubbles from the same person: "hotdog hazmat suit", "bacterial apotheosis", "mumbly boots" (this last one written as one word).

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2023-09-05

It started as a self-portrait

 

One stick figure presents a sculpture to another, saying, "So this is what I've been working on lately". The sculpture is a misshapen blob creature with sparse tufts of hair and a mouth frowning full of teeth placed higher on its face than its two drooping eyes. In one approximate limb, it holds a bird with long, awkward arms that has its toothy beak open as though in song. In front of the blob creature, there's a neglected, wormlike thing that frowns. The other stick figure shriks back in a rictus of astonished distaste. The artist adds, "Maybe I shouldn't work on things".

Head over to my Ko-Fi to see some sketches I made while I was figuring out the "what I've been working on" part. No paywall (but you are allowed to give me money if you want)

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2023-09-04

JPEG crystals

 

At a business meeting with a table of stick figures in neckties, a person in a dress introduces the room to Lobsterman, an anthropomorphic crustacean horror with a grinning maw and gigantic lobster claws: "Team, meet our consultant, Lobsterman, who's here to explain the upcoming campaign." Lobsterman says, "I think "threatvertizing" is pretty self-explanatory..."

It's Remake Monday, and I did improve the words, but the terrible 2011 drawing is just going to have to stay. I did SVGify the original tiny cluster of JPEG crystals, so that's...something, I guess.

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2023-09-03

Maximum accomplishment

 

A stick figure sits on a football/soccer ball and has a thought bubble: "This is it. I am at the top of my game."

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2023-09-02

Become liberated

 

One human figure sits on a dirt floor across from another person whose human torso continues into a more snakelike tail instead of legs. The first asks, "Teacher, how can I achieve liberation?" The second replies, "First, you must care the exact right amount about what you think I think of you."

And that's the easy part.

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2023-09-01

I will

 

Person 1, head hung low: "I woke up sad this morning." Person 2, resolutely and with a clenched fist: "I am not sure how, but I swear I will avenge you."

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2023-08-31

Bear witness

 

A six-winged, six-eyed angel with a fearsome regard and sharp teeth flies above a gathered crowd and says, "You guys want to see something cool?" Bottom caption: "The gathered people did, of course, but wisely kept their silence."

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2023-08-30

Finally happening

 

Two balloons with faces look down at a stick figure's head with no body, only a spinal cord, who smiles on the floor. The head says, "I think it's finally happening! I'm turning into a balloon!"

Magic is real! Wishes come true!

(sometimes my hands are uncooperative so I just have to look around at stuff I've already drawn & recycle it & hope an idea comes of it. if you recognize these scribbles from earlier this year, I regret to inform you that you are a CrustaceanSingles superfan)

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2023-08-29

Dollar signs

 

A person walks on a sidewalk holding a bulky sack labeled with a dollar sign in each hand. Another person sits against the wall of a building to the side and calls out, "Hey, Moneybags! Spare a couple bucks?" The one with the sacks smiles and says, "Oh, I don't have any money! These sacks are full of dollar signs. They're clearly labeled as such."

Wish I could help, but...

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2023-08-28

I don't care what they say

 

A stick figure stands close to a quadrupedal creature with a single long conical horn, a gigantic and jagged maw that smiles, and wide deranged eyes. Around the jaws are layers of dark red—natural coloration? blood? lipstick?—and the tip of the horn and claws at the ends of its four legs also suggest more of the same. The stick figure says, "I don't care what they say. I think you're a beautiful unicorn!"

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2023-08-27

I can't wait

 

The Sun says to the Earth, "When I grow up, I am going to burn you to a crisp."

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2023-08-26

What kind of day

 

A person stands hands on hips and looks across greenery and the pale blue sky and asks aloud, "What kind of day is it going to be?" A little red-brown bird perched on the maturing seed head of a sunflower says, "The kind that ends, if you're lucky."

Cool, thanks, Ominous Bird.

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2023-08-25

Home is where

 

A house whose front door looks like a worried mouth calls to a smaller building which is walking on four legs: "Please come home". The walking structure frowns and says "No".

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2023-08-24

Free fallin'

 

An angel is casually upside down with falling motion lines. "I'm a fallin' angel. / Just been plummeting since the beginning of time."

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2023-08-23

Just human things

 

Top caption: "Many thousands of years ago, somewhere on Earth" A stick figure poses with a spear held over their head, smiling, and thinks, "man I bet this looks so cool".

I don't care if it's gauche or whatever. I'm totally going to draw myself like this on the cave wall tonight.

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2023-08-22

A journey through the desert

 

An exhausted person crawls through a desolate landscape of sandy dunes. In the near distance, a prickly pear cactus laden with fruits is growing. The person says, "That cactus has been following me for several blocks / & I am starting to feel nervous".

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2023-08-21

How would I know

 

A confused stick figure holds a large, thick book titled "Punctuation" and thinks, "What is a question mark".

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2023-08-20

What was up there

 

On the left, one person looks up at another, on the right, who is descending a ladder that extends far into the sky with its upper end outside the frame. The first asks, "So what was up there?" The latter (on the ladder lol) says, "I don't want to talk about it." "Was it aliens?" "I JUST said—" and the first interrupts in small text: "did you get probed" END

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2023-08-19

Summoning shortcomings

 

A group of cloaked figures stands around a summoning circle drawn on the floor. The circle is awkwardly shaped and the figure inside it is a thoroughly botched pentagram. Like, not even close. One of the cloaked figures holds a five-candled candelabra. A demon has appeared in the center, in the form of a giant angry bunny. It says, "Alright, which one of you drew this summoning circle? What the hell is that supposed to be?" Another of the cloaked figures subtly points at another to blame them.
 

Unprofessional is what it is.

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2023-08-18

nondeliniation

 

A figure without outlines, the shape of a person in the color of blank paper, walks through a landscape that turns from low green to weathered red rock formations. "I can see why/ they might focus/ on the downsides// but this is/ the closest I have/ ever been// to feeling free."

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2023-08-17

The succession of being

 

Continued from yesterday's comic, a stick figure stands facing another figure whose lines had transformed into dashes yesterday and which are now quite faded, so that the second figure is now primarily visible as an empty shape without outside lines. The first says, "What are you now?" The second says, "I'm not sure. But now I realize that before now, I wasn't as sure as I thought, either."

P.S. It's extremely OK to not be sure.

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2023-08-16

A rough outline

 

A stick figure looks at a second stick figure whose lines are dashed instead of unbroken. The first points and says, "Your, uh—" The second interrupts, frustrated: "I know what my lines look like today."

I hope they're just getting started. I hope they disappear completely.

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2023-08-15

A nebulous opportunity

 

A cloud with a smiling face has a ladder extending from it down to the ground. A person looks up with one hand on their chin, contemplatively. The cloud says, "Come on. I know you're curious."

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2023-08-14

Take your limbs elsewhere

 

In a doctor's office, a person sits on the examination table. This person has no human limbs but eight octopus-like arms extending from the bottom of their torso. A doctor in a white coat holds a clipboard and says, "This is well outside my training as a podiatrist...I'd feel a lot better if you got a second opinion at the aquarium."

"oh YEAH, doc? well MAYBE your MOM should go to the aquarium!

sorry, that was uncalled for. I'm under a lot of stress"

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2023-08-13

Progress is progress

 

In a therapist's office, the therapist sits pensively with a top-bound spiral notebook. The client has been swallowed by a gigantic snake and has only part of their face peeking out of its mouth. Caption: "I'm proud of you for letting your feelings be heard."

"I look forward to hearing all about your progress at next week's appointment."

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2023-08-12

The amazing talking mime

 

A sign in an urban, paved-over setting reads "See the amazing talking mime!" There's a tip jar in front of the sign. Next to it, a mime moves and gesticulates with a weary, frightened expression while saying, " I live in fear, folks. Fear of the League of Mimes! I dared to speak out and now they want my blood! They'll cut out my tongue if they get their hands on me! But do the authorities care? They think it's all a big joke."

Any change you can spare will help me stay alive and on the run, folks. Anything you got.

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2023-08-11

DNR

 

A skeletal arm emerges from a desolate ground in a misty wasteland. On its wrist is a bracelet reading "Do not reanimate".

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2023-08-10

Minor time crimes

 

A person operates a candlestick-style telephone, holding the separate earpiece to their ear with the stand and mouthpiece resting on the table. A speech bubble emerges from the earpiece: "Ahoy! This is old timey times. We would like our telephone back, please."

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2023-08-09

A little bird told me

 

Frame 1 of 3: A bird on a branch speaks to a person looking up at it: "I know you're discouraged, but it's not time to give up yet." The person says, "Oh...kay" (as in, slowly, "OK"). Frame 2 of 3: The bird abruptly flies away. Frame 3 of 3: The person frowns and says, "Hey! That bird doesn't know me. It probably *is* time to give up."

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2023-08-08

Don't start disbelieving

 

One person, alarmed, reads from a scroll: "By decree of the Emperor, skepticism is punishable by death!" A second person, leaning nonchalantly against a tree, says, "I bet he's bluffing."

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2023-08-07

A chance meeting deep in the forest

 

A person wearing a full-body Sasquatch suit looks nervously up at a real Sasquatch, who is very tall, has its hands on its hips, and looks unamused. The human says, "Oh, these are my pyjamas. Sorry about the confusion. I'm, uh, a huge fan of you guys."

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2023-08-06

The illusory self

 

One person cheerfully explains to another, who has arms folded and doesn't look best pleased, "The emergent phenomenon of consciousness that thinks of itself as 'I' just isn't really into labels."

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2023-08-05

Rejoice!

 

A bizarre angelic being flies across the top of the frame, having six eyes and six arms, two of which are holding a sword and a trumpet respectively and two of which are extended and two of which are clasped. The angel says, "Rejoice! and be glad! for I have canceled all your plans for you!"

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2023-08-04

Compatibility

 

One person crouches down next to another, who is lying on their back with their head emerging from a metal trash can. For a pillow, they have a book titled "How to Not". The first says, "Hey, my other friend is also a mess! You two might get along!" The other replies, "Maybe, but I must warn you: I am a really specific kind of mess."

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2023-08-03

Things are different now

 

Pictured: in an office setting with drop ceilings, one person has stacked one chair onto a table and another chair on top of that chair, topping it all with a couch cushion, and crouches now atop the tower under a gap in the ceiling where one panel has been removed. In one hand, they have a bag labeled "snacks". A second person standing next to the tower holds out two more bags, one also labeled "snacks" and the other "cool rats". The caption is implied to be spoken by the second person: "They didn't have to make nearly so many rules before you showed up."

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2023-08-02

Are you OK?

 

Two people stand looking at a third, whose face has several lipstick marks and whose hands are clasped and smiling face raised wistfully. Caption: "You should see the *other* guy."

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2023-08-01

I blame you

 "They've been at it for hours."

Two people watch from a curb as two others, wearing helmets, rush towards each other to headbutt. On the left helmet, which is streamlined and kind of goofy looking, the word "form" is printed; on the right helmet, which is more basic, the word "function" is printed. Caption is a line of dialogue from one of the watching figures: "We wouldn't have this problem if you hadn't told them about helmets."

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2023-07-31

Ersatz emotion

 

A person has a very sad face. One might even call it over-the-top in its sadness. "I'm sorry we couldn't be friends. / As a parting gift, please accept this very sad facial expression, which I assure you is in no way sarcastic."

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2023-07-30

Searching for the words

 

A distraught stick figure has a speech bubble in dashed lines that contains a word search. I have no idea how to render that accessible to a screen reader, so I hope it's not too much of a disappointment if I just write the words obfuscated therein: "I don't know how to explain".

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2023-07-29

A confession

Three implied frames but without borders. 1/3: What appears to be a sock puppet says, "I have something to confess." 2/3 It has grown visibly longer and undulates as it says, "I'm not actually a sock puppet." 3/3 Zoom out to show that it's attached to the body of a person as part of or taking the place of their arm. It's way longer than the person's other arm. It gets close to the person, who looks astonished and concerned, and says, "Kiss me".

 

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2023-07-28

Emblazoned

 

On the left, a person with a slightly haunted expression wears a T-shirt that reads "I carry a terrible secret". On the right, a person with an expression that suggests something to the effect of "Really?" or "Come on, man" wears a T-shirt that reads "Obviously you want me to ask your terrible secret.

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2023-07-27

Here is where I am

 

Three implied panels but without delineation. 1/3 A cuttlefish glowers and says, "I didn't come here to make friends." 2/3 The same cuttlefish gestures vaguely: "I didn't come here with any purpose in mind." 3/3 Same cuttlefish in closeup, with body arched out of view and perplexed face: "Actually, where am I?"

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2023-07-26

Twelve years today

 

One person stands apprehensively behind a second person who is seated at a desk. The desk is strewn with papers bearing crude doodles (faintly visible are a stick figure with antlers whose speech bubble contains a frowning face, a bird with an exclamation mark, Lobsterman, and a rough copy of Munch's The Scream). The standing person says, "You've been doing this every day for twelve years?" The one at the desk doesn't look up but tiredly says, "Yeah, but I can stop anytime I want."

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2023-07-25

Still not gonna

 

One person visits another who is lying propped up in a hospital bed. The visitor has a cheerful yellow ballon printed with the words "Get well soon". The patient holds a blue balloon that says simply "No."

I'm sick in all the usual ways plus an extra-miserable bonus way, so here's a thematically appropriate rerun from two years ago to the day.

P.S. tomorrow is the 12th anniversary of CrustaceanSingles. Hooray dot dot dot question mark?

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2023-07-24

Better and more powerful than before

 

A person with a long beard and no hair on top or sides of their head is looking in a mirror, smiling, and using a comb to pull one side of their beard to the top of their head. "They said I didn't have enough hair on the sides of my head to do a combover...But I'll show them!"

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2023-07-23

I can fly?

 

A person soars through the air, happy and surprised. "I can fly? Just by being incredulous about the fact that I can fly? / I sure hope I don't overthink this."

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2023-07-22

Metastatic mustaches

 

A distraught person has a great deal of head and facial hair, all of it somewhat resembling mustaches. "Doctor! You gotta help me! My entire head is covered in *mustaches*!"

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2023-07-21

Always

 

Person 1, furious: "I will ALWAYS forgive you! / no / wait" Person 2, smug: "Too late! No take-backs!"

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2023-07-20

I didn't come here to meet people, but

A person sits at a table with a tablecloth, one hand on a glass which sits next to a bottle. At the other side of the table is a grave stone with the faintly legible inscription "A. Corpse / 'I'm dyin' here!' / 1988-2023". The caption is a line of dialogue implied to be spoken by the person at the table: "So...do you come here often?"

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2023-07-19

A message of distress

A person holds a torn-open envelope at their side and a triple-folded letter in their other hand. A halo of question marks surrounds their head. "It just says "SEND HELP! / No address. / I have no idea who this is from."

 

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2023-07-18

Unsympathetic

 

A person sits at a desk in front of a laptop, clutching their head in one hand. The laptop has a Windows logo on the back, but the window it depicts is broken. This person says, "Writing an unsympathetic protagonist is harder than I thought." Another person stands nearby with a steaming mug (the visible design on the mug is an ampersand) and says, "Good for you, though, finally starting your autobiography!"

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