Sartorial vastness

An advertisement says, "Come on down to Shen's Shirt Barn, home of the Shirt That's Just Way Too Big!" and has a picture of a barn and a person in a cowboy hat and a nondescript T-shirt. Below the advertisement, a person is wearing a shirt so big that it trails behind them on the floor even as they are standing up. The person says, "It'll probably shrink in the wash."

 "What have I done?" I asked myself, and then I looked at the screen and it was this. This is what I had done, and it was too late to make a different thing.


Banana nomenclature


Pictured: an angry banana with a face (the face shows the anger, but the whole banana is angry). Q: What do you call a talking banana? A: Anything you want. Just because it can talk doesn't mean it can move. The banana says, "I am filled with impotent rage."

For Remake Monday, I've improved the wording and redone the coloring but left the 2017 version's Crustacean Sans, which was my second attempt at a handlettering typeface. It turned out better than it had any right to, even though I made it so light that I only ever used it in word processor-simulated bold. (Come to think of it, I could fix that now, although I think ultimately it's too clean compared to QuickClaw, the one I use almost all the time now.)


Just screaming


Panel 1 of 4: a blobby creature in a desolate landscape screams. A stick figure approaches. Panel 2 of 4: The blob and the stick figure both scream, facing each other. Panel 3 of 4: The stick figure explains, "To be clear, I was screaming with you, not at you." Panel 4 of 4: The blob smiles while emitting the same scream as before. But now happy? THE END

Four panels? On my CrustaceanSingles? It may be more likely than you think! (I don't know how likely you think it is.)



A figure resembling a half-abstractified version of Clippy, the failed Microsoft entity, announces that "Trouble is on its way". A hypercube appears below its speech bubble containing the response "OK." and a mouse cursor approaches the hypercube. Weird, huh?

I've come to the conclusion that if I'm to continue CrustaceanSingles at all, I have to give myself room to make weird nonsense like this. Thank you for understanding.




Two parents stand facing a child. One parents wears glasses and has a supportive arm over the other's shoulder; the other has a high ponytail and folded arms. On the floor in front of the child is a hammer and several nails, most of which are haphazardly driven into the floor. The ponytail parent says, "The Parental League hereby informs you that sanctions on your behavior will begin with a TV embargo and may escalate to suspension of financial aid." The child, frustrated, says, "This paternalistic attitude is... oh, right."

(This is more of a re-run than a remake (though I added a little detail and cleaned up a couple errant lines from the original), but listen. I had to keep Glasses Dad as-is. I can't explain it but maybe you will understand.)


New song


The single panel is divided into two subpanels occupying continguous space but suggesting a brief passage of time. In the first subpanel, a person is playing a guitar by licking the strings. The guitar is also missing some strings. In the second subpanel, the same person has stopped playing and now asks a second person, "So that's my new song...how do you like it?" The second person says, "My opinion is irrelevant. You are already too powerful to be stopped."

I used to write songs all the time & have been dusting some of them off lately & have begun to contemplate inflicting them on you, the innocent readers of my comics


JPEG crystals


At a business meeting with a table of stick figures in neckties, a person in a dress introduces the room to Lobsterman, an anthropomorphic crustacean horror with a grinning maw and gigantic lobster claws: "Team, meet our consultant, Lobsterman, who's here to explain the upcoming campaign." Lobsterman says, "I think "threatvertizing" is pretty self-explanatory..."

It's Remake Monday, and I did improve the words, but the terrible 2011 drawing is just going to have to stay. I did SVGify the original tiny cluster of JPEG crystals, so that's...something, I guess.


Finally happening


Two balloons with faces look down at a stick figure's head with no body, only a spinal cord, who smiles on the floor. The head says, "I think it's finally happening! I'm turning into a balloon!"

Magic is real! Wishes come true!

(sometimes my hands are uncooperative so I just have to look around at stuff I've already drawn & recycle it & hope an idea comes of it. if you recognize these scribbles from earlier this year, I regret to inform you that you are a CrustaceanSingles superfan)


Just human things


Top caption: "Many thousands of years ago, somewhere on Earth" A stick figure poses with a spear held over their head, smiling, and thinks, "man I bet this looks so cool".

I don't care if it's gauche or whatever. I'm totally going to draw myself like this on the cave wall tonight.


A rough outline


A stick figure looks at a second stick figure whose lines are dashed instead of unbroken. The first points and says, "Your, uh—" The second interrupts, frustrated: "I know what my lines look like today."

I hope they're just getting started. I hope they disappear completely.


Take your limbs elsewhere


In a doctor's office, a person sits on the examination table. This person has no human limbs but eight octopus-like arms extending from the bottom of their torso. A doctor in a white coat holds a clipboard and says, "This is well outside my training as a podiatrist...I'd feel a lot better if you got a second opinion at the aquarium."

"oh YEAH, doc? well MAYBE your MOM should go to the aquarium!

sorry, that was uncalled for. I'm under a lot of stress"


Progress is progress


In a therapist's office, the therapist sits pensively with a top-bound spiral notebook. The client has been swallowed by a gigantic snake and has only part of their face peeking out of its mouth. Caption: "I'm proud of you for letting your feelings be heard."

"I look forward to hearing all about your progress at next week's appointment."


The amazing talking mime


A sign in an urban, paved-over setting reads "See the amazing talking mime!" There's a tip jar in front of the sign. Next to it, a mime moves and gesticulates with a weary, frightened expression while saying, " I live in fear, folks. Fear of the League of Mimes! I dared to speak out and now they want my blood! They'll cut out my tongue if they get their hands on me! But do the authorities care? They think it's all a big joke."

Any change you can spare will help me stay alive and on the run, folks. Anything you got.


Still not gonna


One person visits another who is lying propped up in a hospital bed. The visitor has a cheerful yellow ballon printed with the words "Get well soon". The patient holds a blue balloon that says simply "No."

I'm sick in all the usual ways plus an extra-miserable bonus way, so here's a thematically appropriate rerun from two years ago to the day.

P.S. tomorrow is the 12th anniversary of CrustaceanSingles. Hooray dot dot dot question mark?