The dreaded return

Houston, is there a way to delete an entire phone? Just curious.

Did they not even listen to the part where the answering machine says I'm in space?


I didn't mean to deceive you

Mental Health
"At first, I didn't mean to deceive you," the compulsive liar claimed. "But failing that, I never intended to be caught deceiving you."
Unfortunately, I couldn't take the liar's word for it, but if this was the lie, what would the truth end up being?


My ticket off this rock

This is why I want to be a dad; I'm too lazy to build my own space ship, but hopefully I'll be able to buy my way on with a few sandwiches.


I demand

*Or just stop referring to me, I guess.

[Editor's note: Yikes. I did not know what I was talking about when I made this one. If you're one of the dozen people a year who churn through the archives, you probably already know that gender is a spectrum and trans rights are human rights. I know that now, too.]


A reasonable defense

Mental Health
Melvin Velvet had a voice like butter mere milliseconds away from melting. Unfortunately, a steady series of reversals, bad fortune and court orders meant the only way he could now use it was in car dealership radio commercials.


A battle of wills

Mental Health
Each silent warrior applied a straining ear to the quiet of the room, and struggled not to break it. One felt a drop of sweat threatening to drip,  but at the last moment managed to extend a single finger and catch it before it fell to the table. They stared into each others' eyes, daring the other to cough or scratch or stretch or even breathe. But both held strong, perfectly matched and determined to win.
The quiet contest raged silently on.

And then there's this currently-relevant re-run:


Explaining my productivity

The overlapping section, it turns out, covers tasks such as the basic motions required for me to not die, such as breathing.


Ghastly rasping

Speaking of people breathing loudly, here's a Mental Health from back in the day. For best results, read aloud:
They hushed harsh whispers as they passed the ghastly rasping of their crashed-out uncle's flask-filled bunkbed.




A Mental Health entry from the archives:

28 March 2010
The kidnappers had not been unkind, and even then, blindfolded and hogtied in the back of an unmarked white van, William Stonecutter couldn't help but excitedly say to himself, "I wonder where we're going?" In spite of the gentle pistol whipping, he suspected it might be a surprise party.

And here's a drawing from even longer ago (2007):