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2023-07-31

Ersatz emotion

 

A person has a very sad face. One might even call it over-the-top in its sadness. "I'm sorry we couldn't be friends. / As a parting gift, please accept this very sad facial expression, which I assure you is in no way sarcastic."

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2023-07-30

Searching for the words

 

A distraught stick figure has a speech bubble in dashed lines that contains a word search. I have no idea how to render that accessible to a screen reader, so I hope it's not too much of a disappointment if I just write the words obfuscated therein: "I don't know how to explain".

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2023-07-29

A confession

Three implied frames but without borders. 1/3: What appears to be a sock puppet says, "I have something to confess." 2/3 It has grown visibly longer and undulates as it says, "I'm not actually a sock puppet." 3/3 Zoom out to show that it's attached to the body of a person as part of or taking the place of their arm. It's way longer than the person's other arm. It gets close to the person, who looks astonished and concerned, and says, "Kiss me".

 

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2023-07-28

Emblazoned

 

On the left, a person with a slightly haunted expression wears a T-shirt that reads "I carry a terrible secret". On the right, a person with an expression that suggests something to the effect of "Really?" or "Come on, man" wears a T-shirt that reads "Obviously you want me to ask your terrible secret.

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2023-07-27

Here is where I am

 

Three implied panels but without delineation. 1/3 A cuttlefish glowers and says, "I didn't come here to make friends." 2/3 The same cuttlefish gestures vaguely: "I didn't come here with any purpose in mind." 3/3 Same cuttlefish in closeup, with body arched out of view and perplexed face: "Actually, where am I?"

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2023-07-26

Twelve years today

 

One person stands apprehensively behind a second person who is seated at a desk. The desk is strewn with papers bearing crude doodles (faintly visible are a stick figure with antlers whose speech bubble contains a frowning face, a bird with an exclamation mark, Lobsterman, and a rough copy of Munch's The Scream). The standing person says, "You've been doing this every day for twelve years?" The one at the desk doesn't look up but tiredly says, "Yeah, but I can stop anytime I want."

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2023-07-25

Still not gonna

 

One person visits another who is lying propped up in a hospital bed. The visitor has a cheerful yellow ballon printed with the words "Get well soon". The patient holds a blue balloon that says simply "No."

I'm sick in all the usual ways plus an extra-miserable bonus way, so here's a thematically appropriate rerun from two years ago to the day.

P.S. tomorrow is the 12th anniversary of CrustaceanSingles. Hooray dot dot dot question mark?

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2023-07-24

Better and more powerful than before

 

A person with a long beard and no hair on top or sides of their head is looking in a mirror, smiling, and using a comb to pull one side of their beard to the top of their head. "They said I didn't have enough hair on the sides of my head to do a combover...But I'll show them!"

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2023-07-23

I can fly?

 

A person soars through the air, happy and surprised. "I can fly? Just by being incredulous about the fact that I can fly? / I sure hope I don't overthink this."

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2023-07-22

Metastatic mustaches

 

A distraught person has a great deal of head and facial hair, all of it somewhat resembling mustaches. "Doctor! You gotta help me! My entire head is covered in *mustaches*!"

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2023-07-21

Always

 

Person 1, furious: "I will ALWAYS forgive you! / no / wait" Person 2, smug: "Too late! No take-backs!"

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2023-07-20

I didn't come here to meet people, but

A person sits at a table with a tablecloth, one hand on a glass which sits next to a bottle. At the other side of the table is a grave stone with the faintly legible inscription "A. Corpse / 'I'm dyin' here!' / 1988-2023". The caption is a line of dialogue implied to be spoken by the person at the table: "So...do you come here often?"

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2023-07-19

A message of distress

A person holds a torn-open envelope at their side and a triple-folded letter in their other hand. A halo of question marks surrounds their head. "It just says "SEND HELP! / No address. / I have no idea who this is from."

 

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2023-07-18

Unsympathetic

 

A person sits at a desk in front of a laptop, clutching their head in one hand. The laptop has a Windows logo on the back, but the window it depicts is broken. This person says, "Writing an unsympathetic protagonist is harder than I thought." Another person stands nearby with a steaming mug (the visible design on the mug is an ampersand) and says, "Good for you, though, finally starting your autobiography!"

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2023-07-17

What would be nice

 

One stick figure peeks their head and shoulders up from inside a large cardboard box. Another kneels next to the box, holding a roll of packing tape. The first happily asks, "You know what would be nice?" The second says, "Not really. Maybe you should ask someone who thinks nice thoughts."

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2023-07-16

The Dao of opening doors

 

Panel 1 of 3: top caption says, "Two strong men came upon a door." A man throws his weight against the door with an intense expression. "The first pushed with all his might, but the door did not budge."

Panel 2 of 3: "The second pulled as hard as he could, but the door remained shut." The second man is shown straining at the edges of the door and popping veins in his neck.

Panel 3 of 3: Zhuangzi serenely raises a didactic finger and says, "The follower of the Dao neither pushes nor pulls, but simply waits for Nature to open the door."

As part of my effort to expand as an artist, I've been trying to imitate the styles of others. I've been reading a translation of Zhuangzi Speaks by Tsai Chih-chung and enjoying it a lot. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea from this absurd anecdote of mine: I do have a sincere and abiding interest in Daoism & have read multiple translations of the Tao Te Ching. 

Panel 1 of 3: top caption says, "Two strong men came upon a door." A man throws his weight against the door with an intense expression. "The first pushed with all his might, but the door did not budge." Panel 2 of 3: "The second pulled as hard as he could, but the door remained shut." The second man is shown straining at the edges of the door and popping veins in his neck. Panel 3 of 3: Zhuangzi serenely raises a didactic finger and says, "The follower of the Dao neither pushes nor pulls, but simply waits for Nature to open the door."

 

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2023-07-15

I have made a world for you

 

Panel 1 of 3: top caption: "I have made a world for you." Pictured: an earthlike planet viewed from space. Bottom caption: "A better world." Panel 2 of 3 shows a mountain range with rolling hills and scattered forests. The mountains have smiley faces, as does a lone cloud. Bottom caption: "A kinder world." Panel 3 of 3 shows cavern entrance with stalactites and stalagmites. It almost looks like a gigantic monstrous mouth. Bottom caption: "As a trap." END

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2023-07-14

A messenger appears

 

A biblically accurate angel with six wings and six eyes appears in a burst of ultraviolet light to an astonished stick figure. The angel says, "Fear not! Or fear... I don't get paid enough to care."

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2023-07-13

Realistic expectations

 

A superhero with a red cape flies through the air with one arm extended and a rescued figure clinging to their hand for dear life. The hero says, "Just to be clear, no one can 'save' anyone. / I'm merely delaying your demise."

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2023-07-12

Ruminant rumors

 

A sheep stares at the reader. "I heard a rumor that if you never get shorn, eventually you turn into a cloud. / Seems like a long shot, but I'm not really doing anything else, so why not?"

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2023-07-11

terribly sorry

 

A chaotically drawn stick figure (multiple shaky lines instead of single smooth lines) looks alarmed as they glance at their own reflection in a mirror. Caption is formatted like poetry: "sometimes looking in the mirror / feels like stumbling into / someone else's private moment / something mundane / that I wasn't meant to see / something that doesn't belong to me"

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2023-07-10

Congratulations plus

 

A retail worker with a nametag reading "JUFF" and a tired face greets a customer and asks, "Can I help you with anything?" The customer, holding several greeting cards (of which one has a visible cover with the word "Yay!" and a cat's face) says, "I found the 'congratulations' cards, but do you carry any with more thinly veiled bitterness?"

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2023-07-09

Do you love me?

 

A person stands looking at a second person who is lying on their front, gazing at their reflection in a pond. The first asks, "Do you love me?" The second replies, "Yes, I love me."

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2023-07-08

Feel alive

 

In the style of an advertisement, a stick figure holds a glass with a dark yellow liquid and three floating ice cubes. The top caption reads, "Running out of ways to feel alive? Try Mustard Lemonade!" The figure, whose facial expression is both sad and vacant, says, "Wow! I'm not all the way dead inside after all!"

Now available with horseradish for especially dire cases.

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2023-07-07

Feelings felt

 

A stick figure with hands on hips looks at and listens to a person with a stick figure head but a cephalopod-like body with many limbs, one of which is gesticulating. "I have feelings. I just don't have the feelings you think I should have."

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2023-07-06

I know

 

Panels 1 and 2 show a letter folded into thirds. Panel 1 shows the first two thirds of the letter with the final third folded under. The first third reads "I know what" and the second third reads "you did." Panel 2 shows the second two thirds with the first third now folded under the second, starting with the repeated "you did." and then the final third, which reads "I thought it was cool." with a smiley face. END
I have been getting the weirdest fan mail.

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2023-07-05

Co-sign

 

A dejected stick figure holds a sign reading, "Please help me come up with a better sign."

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2023-07-04

I don't really feel like it

 

Panel 1 of 2: a king on a throne says, "Jester! Amuse us!" The jester, although in a cavorting stance, has a sad face and says, "I don't really feel like it today." Panel 2 of 2: Closeup of the king's face, mirthful, as he says, "Ha! This guy."

Going back to my roots a little with hastily-scrawled ballpoint scanned with my phone camera (which is admittedly way better than my phone camera was in 2011).

If it's too illegible, great news! I include accessibility/alt text on every platform where I post. I could have replaced the handwriting with my handwriting font, but I didn't really feel like it today.

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2023-07-03

Better luck next time

 

A figure with an old-fashioned hobo bindle stands dejectedly on a wilderness trail. A bird wearing glasses perches on a bush nearby, though this is unrelated to the rest of the comic. Caption: "Rumors of my death have been greatly under-circulated, so *that* plan didn't work. / I guess I'm coming home now."

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2023-07-02

How perturbing

 

A person looks at mobile phone and thinks, "The misery factory is getting so much less convenient to stare at."

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2023-07-01

Slightly above it all

 

Panel 1 of 2: A stick figure floats above the ground, smiling. "I woke up this morning with the ability to hover slightly above the ground." Panel 2 of 2: Figure looks distraught, has turned their body toward the ground and is reaching futilely down but can't touch it. "What I have not yet figured out is how to stop."

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