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2023-05-31

Eventuality assessment

 

Stick figure looks pensively haggard and thinks, "What if a good thing happens? Shouldn't I also prepare obsessively for that? / No... In such an unlikely event, general panic should be an adequate response."

I suppose I am as ready as I'll ever be.

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2023-05-30

Danger at the door


 
I think I will leave this door alone.

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2023-05-29

In the garden of evil

 

Panel 1 of 2: One stick figure says, "I can't garden anymore." Another replies, "Me either. How is it so impossible to keep a couple flowers alive?" Panel 2 of 2: The first figure's face grows grim and they say, "No, I'm too good at it. The plants grow too fast, too strong...and while I sleep, they whisper such dreadful things into my mind."

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2023-05-28

I think I'm ready

 

A stick figure looks up at a stick figure with large, feathered wings who is in the air above the ground and says, "I think I'm ready to go to my doom now." The winged one says, "Don't you see? That's where you've already been all along!"

Sometimes when a winged figure follows you around for a while, you get the idea that maybe they're a messenger or guide of some kind, probably doom-related. So you make some remark based on that assumption. Why am I explaining this common situation to you. Anyway, that's the comic today.

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2023-05-27

They like it very much

 

Three flies have landed next to a flint-headed arrow. One says, "Here we are. 1023 BCE, May 27, Ohio River Valley." Another says, "How exquisite." Bottom caption: "Time flies like an arrow."

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2023-05-26

See you there

 

Person 1: I'll see you in hell! Person 2: Yes, for Satan's surprise party next week. Person 1: I can't wait to see the look on his face.
 

"I'd offer to go with you, but I'll already be there for unrelated reasons."

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2023-05-25

An exhilarating secret

 

What appear to be three snails are schlepping around on the ground. One smiles slightly and has a thought bubble: "Nobody knows that I am actually a hermit slug."

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2023-05-24

Forbidden knowledge

 

Person 1: "*They* don't want you to know this, but you *can* drink your own—" Person 2: "Yeah...I also don't want us to know that."

Maybe I don't want to know everything after all.

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2023-05-23

You can't

 

One stick figure wears a tank top with the word "CAUTION" printed on it. Another says, "Well, you can't be too careful. *I* can, but you...I've seen you try, and it's not even close."

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2023-05-22

Self-storage

In front of a "self-storage" business, a stick figure asks the proprietor, "Haha, can I store myself here?" The answer: "We don't usually keep...alive bod-- *people* here."

For Remake Monday: I vaguely remembered doing a weak self-storage joke sometime in the distant past, but I did not remember it being like this.

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2023-05-21

Wait!

 

Three seeds sit atop soil, faced by two European house sparrows. One seed says, "Don't eat us! If you wait a few months, we'll grow flowers that give you hundreds of seeds!"

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2023-05-20

Hear the ocean

 

A stick figure holds a seashell to their ear (ear not pictured) and says, "Wow, I really *can* hear the ocean!" A speech bubble comes from the shell: "The ship sank seven years ago. You have to forgive yourself."

Haha, classic ocean.

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2023-05-19

The problem

 

A doctor looks at a clipboard while the patient waits, worried. "Hmmm...yes, there's the problem." "What is it, doc?" "I am not wearing my glasses."

This one has a second panel that attempts to recover from the weakness of the main joke. But you have to go to the CrustaceanSingles patreon to see it (paywall-free), because I am supposed to remind people that that exists and that you can give me money that way.
(You can also give me money through Ko-Fi! What a time to be technically alive!)

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2023-05-18

Once you get to know me

 

One stick figure says to another, "I can be offputting at first, but once you get to know me? So much worse."

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2023-05-17

Out of my hands

 

Person 1: It's out of my hands now. Person 2, outraged: Because you threw it on the floor. Person 1: That much spaghetti is a terrifying amount of responsibility!

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2023-05-16

Funny in some sense or other

Person pressing one palm against one closed eye says, "The funny thing about migraines is, you are actually listening to me too loudly."

When you have a migraine, it's hard to think about anything else. So you may find yourself thinking, "OK, then I'll make a comic about migraines." Let today's CrustaceanSingles be a cautionary tale: don't make comics about migraines while you have a migraine.

Also, please keep it down over there.

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2023-05-15

Thanatological attribution

 

A stick figure with folded arms addresses another: "Is 'the looming specter of this inevitable mortality' going to be your excuse for everything now?" The other shrugs and says, "Well, at least until I die."

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2023-05-14

Procrastination identification

 

A stick figure sits at a desk, resting their head on its surface and looking frazzled. Thought bubbles: "I've completely lost track of what I'm supposed to be procrastinating. / It's possible I even completed a task or two by mistake."

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2023-05-13

Sounds rough

 

A guitar has a thought bubble reading "The way you played that E minor...are you upset with me?" A banjo has a thought bubble reading "I'm feeling really underutilized." Bottom caption: "Sensitive instruments."

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2023-05-12

Still thinking

 

Stick figure slumps to the extreme in a chair and thinks, "I'm beginning to suspect that there's something seriously wrong with my thinking chair."

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2023-05-11

I want to know

Two figures sit at a bar, each with a drink. One says to the other, "So, tell me about yourself! Preferably in a way that lets me feel slightly superior to you."

 

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2023-05-10

I said I would, but

 

In a dark field at night, a stick figure leans on a shovel that has dug only a few clods of grass. Next to this sits a rolled-up rug with two feet sticking out the end. The figure with the shovel says, "I know I said I would bury you, but I was just talking trash. And anyway, digging is hard."

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2023-05-09

Let's find out

 

A stick figure looks down at a control panel with a single, huge red button labeled "Push to terminate". One hand hovers near the button. Thought bubble: "Eh, I'm willing to roll the dice."

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2023-05-08

Your uniqueness

 

Two stick figures walk across a rocky red desert landscape. The one at the front says, "As long as I live, I'll never meet anyone quite like you." then adds, "If I'm lucky." Unrelatedly, a black bird flies in the sky with a cowboy hat clutched in its claws.

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2023-05-07

Realism

 

Panel 1 of 2: One stick figure says to another, "Please try to be realistic." Panel 2 of 2: the other figure has transformed into a more realistic drawing of a person, subject to the limitations of my talent as an illustrator. They say, "It's just not my aesthetic."

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2023-05-06

The saying that is said

 

A old stick figure with a long, almost-white beard sits crosslegged and says, "It is said that one day / our people will have / a better saying than this one."

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2023-05-05

The wisdom of years

 

An adult stick figure and a toddler stick figure are playing on the floor, the former holding a toy crab and the latter holding a toy bat. The adult says, "So, now that you're two, do you have any wisdom to share?" The toddler smiles with lowered eyebrows and says, "No."

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2023-05-04

A frequently posed question

 

A stick figure with gigantic round glasses says, "As a philosopher, I'm often asked, 'Would you please stop talking?'"

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2023-05-03

Calculations complete

 

A fiery asteroid or meteor or similar celestial object is headed for a stick figure who looks into the sky with one hand raised to shield their eyes and says, "According to my calculations, I actually don't even give a crap."

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2023-05-02

New idea

 

Person 1, making air quotes: "You know, there's really no such thing as a 'new idea'" Person 2, rolling eyes and shrugging exaggeratedly: "Here we go again..."

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2023-05-01

Frequent failure miles

 

Top caption of a single-panel cartoon in the form of an advertisement: "Start earning FREQUENT FAILURE MILES!" A bulleted list follows: "Education, Employment, Relationships, Even your pathetic attempts at hobbies" A stick figure gives a feeble thumbs up with a sad smile and says, "Just a few more crushing disappointments and I'll have enough to start a new life in Alaska!"

Earn points. Bring your sadness to whole new places.

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