I think I'm ready


A stick figure looks up at a stick figure with large, feathered wings who is in the air above the ground and says, "I think I'm ready to go to my doom now." The winged one says, "Don't you see? That's where you've already been all along!"

Sometimes when a winged figure follows you around for a while, you get the idea that maybe they're a messenger or guide of some kind, probably doom-related. So you make some remark based on that assumption. Why am I explaining this common situation to you. Anyway, that's the comic today.


See you there


Person 1: I'll see you in hell! Person 2: Yes, for Satan's surprise party next week. Person 1: I can't wait to see the look on his face.

"I'd offer to go with you, but I'll already be there for unrelated reasons."



In front of a "self-storage" business, a stick figure asks the proprietor, "Haha, can I store myself here?" The answer: "We don't usually keep...alive bod-- *people* here."

For Remake Monday: I vaguely remembered doing a weak self-storage joke sometime in the distant past, but I did not remember it being like this.


The problem


A doctor looks at a clipboard while the patient waits, worried. "Hmmm...yes, there's the problem." "What is it, doc?" "I am not wearing my glasses."

This one has a second panel that attempts to recover from the weakness of the main joke. But you have to go to the CrustaceanSingles patreon to see it (paywall-free), because I am supposed to remind people that that exists and that you can give me money that way.
(You can also give me money through Ko-Fi! What a time to be technically alive!)


Funny in some sense or other

Person pressing one palm against one closed eye says, "The funny thing about migraines is, you are actually listening to me too loudly."

When you have a migraine, it's hard to think about anything else. So you may find yourself thinking, "OK, then I'll make a comic about migraines." Let today's CrustaceanSingles be a cautionary tale: don't make comics about migraines while you have a migraine.

Also, please keep it down over there.


Used to


A cloud in a bright blue sky looks sad and thinks, "I used to look like a dragon. / Now I barely even look like a cloud."

The cloud sees its reflection in bodies of water far below and remembers the way it used to be. Were things really better then? Who can say.



A single tear

   "You mean we're just going to leave it there?" said the xenobiologist.

   "Unless you have some extra fuel you've been keeping to yourself, we can't afford to take garbage back with us to Earth. Propulsion doesn't come cheap," the commander replied, at least half of her attention simultaneously devoted to something else.

   "But the ecosystem—"

   "What ecosystem? Rocks and dust? Listen, if it makes you feel any better, someday they'll have the technology to take care of the trash. It's the future's problem."


On a dusty, cratered moon, a large-eyed grey alien looks at a pile of human garbage and a planted flag. A single tear escapes one of the alien's eyes.



Not saying


A landscape with a field, trees, mountains. A hill in the form of a massive human figure lies sleeping in the midground, and its thought bubbles are the clouds: "I'm not saying / I NEVER want to wake up... (that's too dark, right? / ..."

No one who ever worried about me was wrong, but you don't have to worry about that. I just want to sleep on a geological timescale.


Social typology


Two stick figures are walking on a path in a park. One says, "We're kind of frenemies, right?" The other replies, "No. We're 'enemends'." [Screenreaders will probably not know what to do with that last word; it's a blend of 'enemy' and 'friend' just like 'frenemy', but composed of the opposite parts.] Also, a large bird is flying by, carrying a stop sign in its talons.

Seems like a distinction without a difference to me, but I guess I still have a lot to learn about friendship.


Love love love

Panel 1 of 3: A little figure smiles broadly and says, "I love you!" Panel 2 of 3: Four little figures stand closely together and say in unison, "I love you!" Panel 3 of 3: Zoom out to reveal the figures from panels 1 and 2 are puppets on the thumb and fingers respectively of a figure who looks smiling at them and says, "I love you!"


Thanks for reading! I love you!

(Bonus panel on the CrustaceanSingles Patreon.)

(Also, patrons got to see this comic last night instead of this morning. Imagine how much better your life could be if you were one of them.)


Leporine vengeance


A muscular rabbit with a furious facial expression says, "There will be time for gnawing on vegetables later! First, we must have revenge!"

"Suppose we did both at once?" asked a voice from among the mob. "Gnawed on vegetables as a form of revenge?"

Floof Hopkins only glared.


Unfavorable cephalic configuration


A two-headed worm or maybe snake, the kind with one head on each end, is in conversation between its two heads. Head 1: "Too bad we're this kind of two-headed." Head 2: Yes, brother." Head 1: "Are you ready for the pooping, brother?" Head 2: SIGH "I'm ready, brother."

There's nothing in the rules that says these have to be good. Always nice to remind myself of that.



Bad dream


Panel 1 of 3, taking place in a thought cloud: a stick figure sits at a desk with a pen and paper and says, "Time to think of something funny." Panel 2 of 3: it was only a dream. The kid who dreamed it awakes and clutches head in hands and screams, "AHHHHH". Panel 3 of 3: Still in the dark bedroom. One parent with hand on the kid's shoulder and says, "It's only a bad dream." Another parent leans over the bed and adds, "You don't have to be a cartoonist when you grow up."

Some fates are easily avoidable.

(Patrons of the CrustaceanSingles Patreon got to see a very rough draft of this one two days ago. Must be nice, huh?)



I will not fight


A stick figure stands with folded arms and a look of consternated exasperation. "I'm not going to fight you. I can't handle secondhand embarrassment."

Telling prospective foes your greatest weakness is a real power move.


In which Murv lingers

Murv, a stick figure, addresses a point above his eyeline and sort of cups a hand to project his voice: "Hello? Writer? It's been a couple days since you said I was about to die... I'm just wondering whether you have a timeframe in mind. Should I make plans for the weekend? This is Murv, by the way.

I KNEW there was something I was forgetting to do.
(Continuity? In my CrustaceanSingles? It's more likely than you think! See Tuesday's comic for the start of this arc.)



Snake variants

A snake with one hump on its back is labeled "Dromedary snake". Another with two humps is labeled "Bactrian snake".

 Stick around with CrustaceanSingles and you just might learn a thing or two!


Networking nightmare


Two humanoid figures stand facing each other; the one on the right holds a healthy crab and looks nonplussedly over at the other's proffered limp lobster and deflated facial expression. Caption: "But of course, the chance meeting's promise of a lucky break—so long-awaited and desperately needed—all fell apart when it came time to exchange business crabs."

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Two stick figures wear neolithic clothing and engage in gathering; one crouches over a bush in which at least two cats are partly contained, and another kneels before plants growings thumbs-up icons, a basket with already-harvested upvote and heart icons on the ground at the ready. Caption: "Early humans foraging for dopamine."

The archaeological record suggests they were able to meet their needs with as little as twelve hours of gathering in a week.



That empty feeling

Two balloons with faces float next to a window. One has a despondent expression and says, "sure, I still float & bob & squeak, but on the inside? on the inside, I've been popped for a looong time now". The other looks concerned. Out the window, a bird flies by carrying a sword with its feet, though this is unrelated.

"But listen to me going on and on! How are you enjoying the new neighborhood?"