Crustacean Singles: 2023

2023-05-29

2023-05-28

Sometimes when a winged figure follows you around for a while, you get the idea that maybe they're a messenger or guide of some kind, probably doom-related. So you make some remark based on that assumption. Why am I explaining this common situation to you. Anyway, that's the comic today.

2023-05-27

They like it very much

Three flies have landed next to a flint-headed arrow. One says, "Here we are. 1023 BCE, May 27, Ohio River Valley." Another says, "How exquisite." Bottom caption: "Time flies like an arrow."

2023-05-26

See you there

Person 1: I'll see you in hell! Person 2: Yes, for Satan's surprise party next week. Person 1: I can't wait to see the look on his face.

"I'd offer to go with you, but I'll already be there for unrelated reasons."

2023-05-25

An exhilarating secret

What appear to be three snails are schlepping around on the ground. One smiles slightly and has a thought bubble: "Nobody knows that I am actually a hermit slug."

2023-05-24

Forbidden knowledge

Maybe I don't want to know everything after all.

2023-05-23

You can't

2023-05-22

Self-storage

For Remake Monday: I vaguely remembered doing a weak self-storage joke sometime in the distant past, but I did not remember it being like this.

2023-05-21

Wait!

2023-05-20

Hear the ocean

Haha, classic ocean.

2023-05-19

The problem

This one has a second panel that attempts to recover from the weakness of the main joke. But you have to go to the CrustaceanSingles patreon to see it (paywall-free), because I am supposed to remind people that that exists and that you can give me money that way.
(You can also give me money through Ko-Fi! What a time to be technically alive!)

2023-05-18

Once you get to know me

2023-05-17

Out of my hands

2023-05-16

Funny in some sense or other

Person pressing one palm against one closed eye says, "The funny thing about migraines is, you are actually listening to me too loudly."

When you have a migraine, it's hard to think about anything else. So you may find yourself thinking, "OK, then I'll make a comic about migraines." Let today's CrustaceanSingles be a cautionary tale: don't make comics about migraines while you have a migraine.

Also, please keep it down over there.

2023-05-15

Thanatological attribution

A stick figure with folded arms addresses another: "Is 'the looming specter of this inevitable mortality' going to be your excuse for everything now?" The other shrugs and says, "Well, at least until I die."

2023-05-14

Procrastination identification

A stick figure sits at a desk, resting their head on its surface and looking frazzled. Thought bubbles: "I've completely lost track of what I'm supposed to be procrastinating. / It's possible I even completed a task or two by mistake."

2023-05-13

Sounds rough

A guitar has a thought bubble reading "The way you played that E minor...are you upset with me?" A banjo has a thought bubble reading "I'm feeling really underutilized." Bottom caption: "Sensitive instruments."

2023-05-12

Still thinking

Stick figure slumps to the extreme in a chair and thinks, "I'm beginning to suspect that there's something seriously wrong with my thinking chair."

2023-05-11

I want to know

Two figures sit at a bar, each with a drink. One says to the other, "So, tell me about yourself! Preferably in a way that lets me feel slightly superior to you."

2023-05-10

I said I would, but

In a dark field at night, a stick figure leans on a shovel that has dug only a few clods of grass. Next to this sits a rolled-up rug with two feet sticking out the end. The figure with the shovel says, "I know I said I would bury you, but I was just talking trash. And anyway, digging is hard."

2023-05-09

Let's find out

A stick figure looks down at a control panel with a single, huge red button labeled "Push to terminate". One hand hovers near the button. Thought bubble: "Eh, I'm willing to roll the dice."

2023-05-08

Your uniqueness

Two stick figures walk across a rocky red desert landscape. The one at the front says, "As long as I live, I'll never meet anyone quite like you." then adds, "If I'm lucky." Unrelatedly, a black bird flies in the sky with a cowboy hat clutched in its claws.

2023-05-07

Realism

Panel 1 of 2: One stick figure says to another, "Please try to be realistic." Panel 2 of 2: the other figure has transformed into a more realistic drawing of a person, subject to the limitations of my talent as an illustrator. They say, "It's just not my aesthetic."

2023-05-06

The saying that is said

A old stick figure with a long, almost-white beard sits crosslegged and says, "It is said that one day / our people will have / a better saying than this one."

2023-05-05

The wisdom of years

An adult stick figure and a toddler stick figure are playing on the floor, the former holding a toy crab and the latter holding a toy bat. The adult says, "So, now that you're two, do you have any wisdom to share?" The toddler smiles with lowered eyebrows and says, "No."

2023-05-04

A frequently posed question

A stick figure with gigantic round glasses says, "As a philosopher, I'm often asked, 'Would you please stop talking?'"

2023-05-03

Calculations complete

A fiery asteroid or meteor or similar celestial object is headed for a stick figure who looks into the sky with one hand raised to shield their eyes and says, "According to my calculations, I actually don't even give a crap."

2023-05-02

New idea

2023-05-01

Frequent failure miles

Earn points. Bring your sadness to whole new places.

2023-04-30

Feel better

A skull rests on some dirt or sand and thinks, "I'd probably feel a lot better if I had a good cry." In the background, a bird carries a snake in its claws. The snake carries a rat in its mouth. The rat carries a bag of packaged "snacky chumbles" in its teeth.

2023-04-29

Assuming I don't make it

One stick figure crouches over another, who is either being super melodramatic on the ground or maybe actually dying, and who says, "please remember me as a cool guy / nonchalantly unconcerned / about my legacy"

2023-04-28

It's time

2023-04-27

One must imagine

A stick figure pushes a gigantic boulder up a steep hill, like Sisyphus, and thinks, "This is great for exposure."

2023-04-26

Being here

A mountain with a face says, "I hate it here." A cloud with a face answers, "Then why not go somewhere else?"

Seems like a pretty simple fix.

2023-04-25

For a special occasion

Panel 1 of 2: a stick figure holds an open reused plastic tub labeled "is not butter" which contains a purple-black mass. The person happily exclaims, "Hey, it's those leftover beans I was saving for a special occasion!" Panel 2 of 2: the same person crouches on the ground next to the overturned container and its lid and a spoon, the latter two with some bean residue, clutching their stomach, and says, "I need some doctor."

2023-04-24

Lobsterman learns about people

A stick figure tells Lobsterman (who is an anthropomorphic lobster person with gigantic claws and a horrifying maw), "It's what's on the inside that counts." Lobsterman reflects, "All the people I've opened up were pretty much the same once I got past the skin."

2023-04-23

Yeehaw

A cowboy on foot looks up at a mounted cowboy riding what appears to be some sort of quadrupedal carnivorous dinosaur and asks, "New...horse?" The rider says, "Yep. Some kind of import, I guess."

2023-04-22

Used to

The cloud sees its reflection in bodies of water far below and remembers the way it used to be. Were things really better then? Who can say.

2023-04-21

No fault

A figure stands behind another figure who sits in a chair reading a book titled, in Arabic, "May Your House Be Destroyed" (which isn't really a joke or relevant to the comic; it's just a fun phrase). The standing figure says, "Through no fault of my own, it is now raining." The sitting figure asks, "What did you do?"

It's a fun way to start your sentences. Give it a try!

2023-04-20

Sorry

2023-04-19

The difference is

2023-04-18

Meta! What is it good phor?

Two people are walking and talking. Panel 1 of 2: Person 1 says, "I'm trying to free myself from metaphors." Person 2: "But your stated goal is itself a conceptual metaphor." Panel 2 of 2: Person 1 says, "I see that now. Then my struggle must necessarily be in vain." Person 2: "Do you want me to keep pointing out the metaphors, or would that be adding insult to injury?" Person 1: "Do whatever you like. Our entire existence is merely an obscure and overwrought joke."

Language and thought are a prison!

2023-04-17

A single tear

"You mean we're just going to leave it there?" said the xenobiologist.

"Unless you have some extra fuel you've been keeping to yourself, we can't afford to take garbage back with us to Earth. Propulsion doesn't come cheap," the commander replied, at least half of her attention simultaneously devoted to something else.

"But the ecosystem—"

"What ecosystem? Rocks and dust? Listen, if it makes you feel any better, someday they'll have the technology to take care of the trash. It's the future's problem."

On a dusty, cratered moon, a large-eyed grey alien looks at a pile of human garbage and a planted flag. A single tear escapes one of the alien's eyes.

2023-04-16

Attempt to be at ease

A host gestures at a chair and says, "Please make yourself comfortable." A guest looks at the chair with a hand on their chin and says, "Impossible, but I appreciate the sentiment."

I have sometimes been taken to task for being an insufficiently relaxed guest.

2023-04-15

Not saying

No one who ever worried about me was wrong, but you don't have to worry about that. I just want to sleep on a geological timescale.

2023-04-14

Readines

Two stick figures stand at some kind of edge or ledge; the drawing is just a line, so who knows. One asks, "Are you ready?" The other replies, "I'm not even ready to find out whether I'm ready."

2023-04-13

An exercise in symbolism

A glass half full of water sits very close to the edge of a table. An arrow labels the glass as "me".

2023-04-12

Metaphorical identification

A stick figure kneels next to a drooping potted flower and addresses it: "This is going to sound conceited, but...are you a metaphor for me?"

Maybe we are mutually metaphors for each other.

2023-04-11

Be anything

2023-04-10

Defining the relationship

Two stick figure walk holding hands. A third looks at them in shock and sadness. One of the ones holding hands says, "You must have misheard me. I said I wanted to be mononymous...you know, like Prince or Shakira."

There has been an unfortunate misunderstanding.

2023-04-09

Social typology

Two stick figures are walking on a path in a park. One says, "We're kind of frenemies, right?" The other replies, "No. We're 'enemends'." [Screenreaders will probably not know what to do with that last word; it's a blend of 'enemy' and 'friend' just like 'frenemy', but composed of the opposite parts.] Also, a large bird is flying by, carrying a stop sign in its talons.

Seems like a distinction without a difference to me, but I guess I still have a lot to learn about friendship.

2023-04-08

You can barely tell

A head with no body, just a spine, smiles and says, "I still have scoliosis, but no one seems to notice anymore."

This is pretty horrible, so I figured I should probably show it to you.

2023-04-07

Partying

I, like you, am a party balloon.

2023-04-06

Love love love

Panel 1 of 3: A little figure smiles broadly and says, "I love you!" Panel 2 of 3: Four little figures stand closely together and say in unison, "I love you!" Panel 3 of 3: Zoom out to reveal the figures from panels 1 and 2 are puppets on the thumb and fingers respectively of a figure who looks smiling at them and says, "I love you!"

Thanks for reading! I love you!

(Bonus panel on the CrustaceanSingles Patreon.)

(Also, patrons got to see this comic last night instead of this morning. Imagine how much better your life could be if you were one of them.)

2023-04-05

Leporine vengeance

A muscular rabbit with a furious facial expression says, "There will be time for gnawing on vegetables later! First, we must have revenge!"

"Suppose we did both at once?" asked a voice from among the mob. "Gnawed on vegetables as a form of revenge?"

Floof Hopkins only glared.

2023-04-04

Unfavorable cephalic configuration

A two-headed worm or maybe snake, the kind with one head on each end, is in conversation between its two heads. Head 1: "Too bad we're this kind of two-headed." Head 2: Yes, brother." Head 1: "Are you ready for the pooping, brother?" Head 2: SIGH "I'm ready, brother."

There's nothing in the rules that says these have to be good. Always nice to remind myself of that.

2023-04-03

A wish come true

Top caption: "I wanted to be free as a bird, / so I made my wish / and turned into a penguin." A penguin stands contemplatively and thinks, "This is a lateral move."

2023-04-02

Flavoring

Pictured: a package labeled "Spaghetti-flavored meatballs", depicting three meatballs on a plate, with the tagline "Eh...you gotta eat something, right?"

Try the processed food product that's banned in Italy!

2023-04-01

Day of fools

A stick figure wearing a goofy jester hat looks serious and folds their arms. "It's actually a very solemn occasion for us fools. / We remember the tribulations and those we've lost, all while people around us tell us obvious lies and try to get us to glue ourselves to things." In the background, fish are faintly visible swimming past the stick figure.

2023-03-31

Bad dream

Panel 1 of 3, taking place in a thought cloud: a stick figure sits at a desk with a pen and paper and says, "Time to think of something funny." Panel 2 of 3: it was only a dream. The kid who dreamed it awakes and clutches head in hands and screams, "AHHHHH". Panel 3 of 3: Still in the dark bedroom. One parent with hand on the kid's shoulder and says, "It's only a bad dream." Another parent leans over the bed and adds, "You don't have to be a cartoonist when you grow up."

Some fates are easily avoidable.

(Patrons of the CrustaceanSingles Patreon got to see a very rough draft of this one two days ago. Must be nice, huh?)

2023-03-30

Please inquire

A vacantly smiling stick figure wears a T-shirt with printed text reading "Ask me about my insatiable need to trap strangers in interminable conversations".

2023-03-29

Skill issue

One spider stands astride multiple chaotic strands of web and says, "What a tangled web we weave". Another spider dangles defeatedly from another strand of the chaotic mess of filament and says, "Yes. We are not good at webs."

2023-03-28

Please, bro

Pictured: a scene in a coral reef. From one outcropping of coral hangs a sign reading "Please don't high-five the hand squid." A squid with a hand-shaped mantle says, "Come on, bro. Don't leave me hangin'."

2023-03-27

In search of frustration

Panel 1 of 2: a smiling stick figure thinks, "I'd like to be more frustrated with everything and everyone." Panel 2 of 2: "I should become an expert on something!"

2023-03-26

Divisive poetry

Pictured: a single rod-shaped bacterium holds a pen in one of its flagella and writes on a sheet of paper, with the words of the in-progress poem magnified for the reader: "anyone lived in a pretty how biofilm / (with up so floating many nutrients) / lag division replication quiescence / it signaled its didn't it divided its did". The bottom caption is the author's name: "e. e. coli".

They're going to take away my poetic license for this one.

2023-03-25

I will not fight

A stick figure stands with folded arms and a look of consternated exasperation. "I'm not going to fight you. I can't handle secondhand embarrassment."

Telling prospective foes your greatest weakness is a real power move.

2023-03-24

In which Murv lingers

Murv, a stick figure, addresses a point above his eyeline and sort of cups a hand to project his voice: "Hello? Writer? It's been a couple days since you said I was about to die... I'm just wondering whether you have a timeframe in mind. Should I make plans for the weekend? This is Murv, by the way.

I KNEW there was something I was forgetting to do.
(Continuity? In my CrustaceanSingles? It's more likely than you think! See Tuesday's comic for the start of this arc.)