Debts paid

"If you're patient, you can turn them into way more kittens. So really, if you think about it, you're gonna owe me."

Here's your holiday-relevant post

Given the right circumstances

As I near the end of final exams, I have little left in me besides these strange B-sides (and some stray organs, not pictured)

Mental Health

Couples in the western world often want to have children but worry about the time, attention, and financial obligations involved. That's why we've teamed up with agencies in developing nations to bring you outsourced children. For a low monthly rate, you can have baby pictures, letters from boarding school, and angry teenage voice messages...all the precious memories personalized for you! Choose from a wide variety of children, all with no hassle! 

If your parents had known it could be this easy, do you really think they would have had you? Call 1-800-OUTSOURCE today!

It isn't what you think

Mental Health

The last thing Gertrude remembered was a pack of surprisingly calm wolves, gathering in a circle around her. When she awoke, she found that she had become a wolf, and noticed with a mix of revulsion and satisfaction that she had hunted and begun to consume her redneck ex-boyfriend, Gus. 

Unsurprisingly

 Mental Health

Great Uncle Wilbur thought it would be fun to surprise his nearby relatives and drop in on Thanksgiving. When they turned out to be gone, he decided the next best thing would be to break in and fake his own death in their living room.

And then really serious things after that

Mental Health

Though Stanley was afflicted with involuntary, uncontrollable laughter, he was not amused by anything. His outbursts was so unsettling that even his own mother began to avoid him, and ultimately he turned to a life of villainy. There, at least, they appreciated someone with a good quirk.

Placeholder

I forbid it

Mental Health

One step forward, two steps back. One step forward, turn around and run as fast as you can. I hate this game, and I wish I didn't have this pack of hyenas in my house. 

 

Mentally unfit to stand trial

Mental Health

 Falling through the air, he felt like a worm on a hook. He could hardly concentrate while the immensity of earth rushed up to meet him, but still tried in vain to think of what the fish was in that comparison. Also he tried not to imagine how it would feel if the parachute didn't open, but as with anything he tried not to imagine, the thought took control and he saw himself experiencing remarkably creative and very gory deaths over and over until the chute did open, at which point Chris began to worry about whether or not the getaway car would be there waiting for him.

 

Feelings

(that's sort of the point)

Here are some b-sides:

It's like a pet made of your torso!

I mean, you work out, right?

144,00 tabs to usher in the wikipocalypse